Nevva Winter

Of tears and a shoulder

2011-11-17T09:14:00.000-08:00

Hmmm.....tears. A very delicate subject/topic/issue. Up till now, scientists never figured out why we cry. The only link they found is that it is strongly associated with emotions. Dang. Human is indeed full of mystery.

People cry. All the time. Fear, anxiety, compassion, anger and others. These are the feelings that come with us as human. You can't separate a human and his feelings. Cause if you do, he ain't no human anymore. Uhuh. Sometimes, feelings define us. Our characters, presentations and many more. Showing compassion, mercy, thoughtful etc. We are judged sometimes solely by our feelings.

When someone cry, it does not mean that he/she is weak. Nor it mean that they are wimpy or not strong. Sometimes crying is the only option left to express what you can't say. It is the simplest way to signal the other person things like "I've had enough" or "I can't take this shit anymore". It can also be used to say "I hate you soooo much" or simply "I hope I can be with you"

See? Tears are indeed carry myriads meanings. It is unique for every individual, and each of them has their own way of producing tears. Some can cry out loud like a baby while some just sobbing silently.

Enough with tears. Now let's move on to 'the shoulder'. Of course when one cry, he/she always need a shoulder to cry on. Well you can choose to cry alone but most of the time, one always has someone to cry with. I am not sure what you call this people as. Your 'best friends' or just 'friends' or things like 'BFF'. Well it didn't matter.

To lend your shoulder so that one can cry on never mean you're freakin' strong or try to hot doggin' and take a macho stand and be the man. Nope. It is actually wayyy far from such things. When one lend his shoulder to cry on, it simply mean "I do care for you". Or it can simply mean "I have no idea what to do, but this is the best I can offer". See, frequently we are at lost in term of words when someone come and cry to us. In that split seconds NOTHING come into this friggin' mind. Zero. Nothin'. So we just lend our shoulder so that he/she can cry on. Like the oldies said "Action speaks louder than word"

Sometimes all we can do for someone is to be there. Just be there. Let'em cry their heart out. Listen to their stories. Sit with'em. Offer a hug or tissue papers. Say comfort words. Or at least, just stand in silence. A simple pat on the back is priceless compared to a sentence of solution. A smile, no matter how brief they are offer a glitter of hope. It's like sayin' "Things are gonna be fine" but you do it without the speaking part. Simple aye?

People always said "Only girls cry". That is bullshit. Men cry too. Just sometimes, we didn't cry in front of others. Not in front of the family nor friends. We cry too, believe me. When someone did not cry in front of you, it doesn't mean we don't care. We do. Sometimes more than you.

Sometimes people don't cry for reasons. I think the most common one is the fact that if we cry, who gonna offer you a shoulder to cry on? Imagine when you are crying and someone try to comfort you when he himself is crying. Uhuh. Ain't gonna work. Trust me. There are things that wound us sooo deeply that we feel like crying sooo much. But then when others start to cry, we have to assume the role of 'he-who-offers-a-shoulder-to-cry-on'. When someone cry cause of she's scared of something (exam, dogs, blood or whatever), most of the time we are scared too. Just like you. Shitly scared. But hye. Someone need to be calm. And if there are only two of us, I would rather be the one who assume the role of 'the shoulder'. You can be 'the tears'. Just know one thing. I am as scared as you. Word.

So don't be afraid to cry. Or to offer a shoulder for a tear. Because in the end, we all shared the same feelings. You are scared. So do I. No one is tougher than the other. If a shoulder can comfort you, so be it. And if tears make you feel better, then be my guest to shed it on my shoulder ;)

Of thoughts and where do I stand.

2011-11-03T07:08:00.000-07:00

I guess in life, one can never asked to be remembered. Or cherished. Now I know. Where is my place.

Cultural Diversity

2011-09-12T23:50:00.000-07:00

People are born in different cultures and with different backgrounds. Some of us are fair while others are darker. Big eyes, small eyes, short or long noses we have different looks and figures. We also speaks different languages; Mandarin, Tamil, Malay, English, Urdu, Hindi, Iban and all others. We also have different religions. Islam, Christian, Buddha, Tamil, etc. Therefore, we are practically different from each other. We don't look alike, we speak different languages and we pray to different Gods.

So what?

Hahahaha. There is NOTHING to be afraid of when people are different from you. Differences make the world colourful. Our cultural differences make us unique. Malays and Indian eat with hands while Chinese with the chopsticks. White men eat with fork and spoon. Does this mean Malays have to be afraid of Chinese or Indians or White Men? Hell no.

We are afraid of things that we do not understand. So it is wise to learn things that are not from our cultures. A sound understanding is crucial to exist together in a country with such awesome cultural diversities. It is not wrong to be proud of who you are. Yeah. I am proud to be a Muslim and a Malay. But it doesn't mean i have to hate others because of their differences. In fact, I should respect these differences and appreciate it. It is what make my country special.

If a friend of other religions or races ask you about your religion or cultures, one should never be offended. Why? Because they also want to know and learn the reasons why you behave in certain ways. So again, don't get offended if people ask things about your beliefs. Instead, you should treat them with respect because at least, they care about it. I've meet people who don't give a damn about my religions and cultures and trust me, you ain't gonna like them no more than one day staying with them.

Yes it is true that in the past, some of us suffered discrimination from others. Yes it is true we used to fight because of different races and stuffs. But THAT WAS LIKE 50 YEARS AGO? Why do we have to fight now? If my parents are discriminated by race X, should I hate all people from race X too? That was like dinosaur era, where people hate each other because of their skin colours. What THAT have to do with me and my friends now? What happened back there have nothing to do with my era.

Our parents or grandpas might killed each other because one eat with chopstick while others eat with hands. But I will not do so. This cycle of hatred must stop now. I don't want my children to grow up with suspicious and hatred to their friends just because they look fairer or darker than us.

Differences unite us. Because when you are different from each other, you'll try to find common grounds to live with. One don't have to let go of his identity just to blend in the society. We are who we are. No one can change that. So chillax and roll with the flow. Make new friends and don't be afraid of differences. Because in differences, lie unity.

This post is written in conjunction with Monash's Cultural Day on 13th September 2011.

Of Friends and What It Means....

2011-08-23T08:24:00.000-07:00

Sometimes things really confused me, especially in university life. Or to be exact, my teenage life. Certain things that looked so simple when I was 10 become extremely delicate and difficult as I grow up. It is not that I don't understand what or how things are rolling, it's just that the definitions and contexts can change in a blink of an eye.

For example, the term 'FRIEND' now means lotsa things in university. It may be one of the following :

1) People of your social circle.

2) People who you talk to

3) People who is in the same PBL group as you

4) People who are close to you

And many more, depending on situation and individual.

Where is the simple word 'FRIEND' when i was 10 years old disappear to? Back there, everyone is a friend till proven otherwise. Or anyone that says "Hi, what's your name?" is considered a friend. A simple game in playground will make you friends. A simple arrangements of seats in class will make you friends. And your friends are the WHOLE class. Not some 2 people who have lunch with you everyday. Or something like that.

It surprise me when someone said,

" i don't know what to do cause she ain't no my besties."

Whoa. Now you only know how or what to plan for your bestfriends? What are we who've been here all these years, saving your arses when your assignments or groupmates make some troubles? Or we who supported you all the way in this course when you feel like giving up? Or at least (if you really don't want to remember us) we who always consoled you when you're sad? Aren't we good enough to deserve at least a thought in your mind?

I know that we don't make a significant presence in your life. We weren't there in your past. Or your highschool life. Or your primary school life. But we're here, NOW. We hold your hands when things goes wrong. We give you a hug eventhough sometimes it brakes our hearts. We lend our shoulders and ears when you're down.

I think at least we deserve a thought from you.

I do not know where do I stand in your eyes, but you will always be my friend.

Thank you.

IIUM 10th Interschool Debating Championship

2011-07-18T07:51:00.000-07:00

My pride. My life. My event. My school.

The past few days were few of those days that i'll cheers forever. After 6 years of excluding myself from this event, denied the opportunities to do what i love most, FINALLY i'm here. I am back in one of the most prestigious event in Malaysia, the Interschool Debating Championship (IDC)

It was kinda dream come true. I never thought that I'll ever come back here, not after all that happened to me. But I guess Allah has a plan for me. It took me 6 painful years to go through all the bureaucracy, hardworks and finally, I'm back. And I'm thankful for that.

Well, it's kinda funny when i went there and saw all my juniors. NONE of them knew me. Why? Because the last batch that i ever took care off had graduated from the school and all of'em are university/college students now. Hahaha. I didn't even know the teacher that accompanied the team! That's how long have i excluded myself from the school and this tournament.

Well, when i said my name there, apparently some of'em had heard of it being mentioned by their trainers. Thank God. And my special thanks to Miss Rosnah, my greatest debate trainers of all time. First for mentioning my name to these kids who never see me and secondly and the most important one, to make me who I am.

I have to say that this time, all of the debaters were green. Like super green. Some of'em only of 13 years of age and guess what? They really surprised me when they talked! That sort of styles were only seen at least in someone of 15 years of age during my time. I guess the world change. Or maybe its only me who was left out in all this thingy.

Well, i bunked in with some of these kids. They were of my sister's age, and some of'em are really funny. I observed them, corrected their mistakes and taught them the right ways of debating. For example how is the first speaker should start talking? How are they gonna unite the team? How to do rebuttals? How to propose a motion and all sorta things. So i'm there as an observer and a tutor.

Training a young corp of debaters ain't no easy job. I knew it because when i was 16, i had to trained, changed and tighten up skills of all debaters in my new school. To make them understand and know what they're doing, to instill the pride and respect as a debater and to improve themselves as they moved on.....all of these things are things that a good debater must have. It was taught to me since i was 13 by my seniors and now i'm proudly teaching my juniors about it. It is a tradition of knowledge that no one can ever take it from us debaters, except God.

If there is one thing that i really miss nowadays is these things. To make friends after one whole day of fighting over a motion. To win and still respect your opponents. To loose and gain respect from the winners. But most of all is to use my brain to the full capacity in order to make rebuttals, POIs (point of informations) and others. These are things that no one can ever substitute, even being in medical course now.

When i first come to Monash, i do realize that people here are different. In a way, some of them can't live past a session of debate or clash of ideas. They tend to bring these issues outside the room, which is a big NO for us debaters. We might seem to kill each other in debate session but outside, we're best friends. I guess not all people are raised or educated in that kind of environment. And certainly not all people are debaters. This is one part that i really miss in my life now.

Our pride as debater live with us through the years. Not to say that we're proud that we can outsmart people when we're talking. Or to defy all others ideas and think we're the best. No sir. That's not debating. Our pride as debaters lie in the fact that we belong to a family, where we respect each other for our ability to think and engage in academic discussions. We are proud that this tradition goes on, and we're doing our best to ensure that the next generations of debaters feel the same thing as we were, the feel of belonging to this family.

I am proud of what my juniors achieved. All of them. In both schools (you know i have 2 different high schools). As long as my advices, experience and expertise as a debater are required, I'll be there. To raise up young, eager kids to become intelligent, respectful debaters are always my honor. This is our pride as a debater. This is our way of life.

"Once a debater, always a debater"

Of FRU and The Uniform Men.

2011-07-10T23:44:00.001-07:00

" To preserve a chain of command is important. But to obey without reasons is the utmost stupidity a man can ever commit. What are men if he can't think or ask question?"

This is my response after years of thinking and experience. For almost 5 years in my highschool life, I spent countless hour as a cadet. Three years as a military cadet and another 2 years as a police cadet. With this qualification, I think I have a say regarding preserving the chain of command.

I can't deny the importance of preserving the chain of command. Orders come from the top, it goes down all the way down. It seems a perfect solution for anything. No question asked. No objections. Orders are orders. If a general say "Shoot" then a private must shoot. No compromise. I get it after years of being a cadet. Without the chain of command, things will get haywire. Chaos and order can't be restored. No way in the world a society can exist in an orderly manner without the chain of command.

But always these uniform people for get about one thing. About the liberty to reason and to question. About the freedom to do of one's accord. About one's acts will be held responsible to the actors.

When you take away a man's ability to reason his actions, questions an order or at least have a sense of logic of the 'WHY' rather than 'WHAT', you actually taking away the most basic right of man. To do whatever he will with his body. To act accordingly as what he thinks right. See, when people asked you "Why did you did such a thing?" You can't simply answer " I was ordered to do so"

The freedom of reasoning is the right of every man in this world. When people held you responsible for your actions, you can't point fingers to others and say "He told me to do so." I can simply ask back "Is the order is a right thing to do?" Or " Can't you think for yourself, differentiating what is right form wrong?"

For those who believe in the day Hereafter ( Muslim, Christian, etc) we know that God will ask about our deeds. And we've been taught that a man is always responsible for one's deed. In front of God, you can't blame another man for your actions. No way sir. No way.

Finally, this is my favourite quote of all time:

" A king may move a man, a father may claim a son but the man can also move himself, and only then does that man truly begin his own game. Remember that by howsoever you are played or by whom, your soul are for your keeping alone, even though those who presume to play you be kings or man of power. When you stand before God, you cannot say "But I was told by others to do thus," or " That virtue was not convenient at that time." This will not suffice. Remember that"

Pisang Goreng

2011-07-09T03:48:00.000-07:00

CLEAN 2.0

It is funny to see how people reacts to the rally. Some are supporting, others says no like PERKASA and UMNO. Also, some of them undecided. Not going anywhere or supporting anyone.

I can't help but to argue with some of my friends today. Why? Because of differences in opinions and stands. Not only friends, I also end up fighting with my own teacher regarding this matter.

My stands are clear. So do my opinions.

Sometimes it is funny to see how people are afraid of something that feed them, or give them scholarship, or simply has the power to ruin their father's clinics or stalls.

And sometimes it is even funnier when the only thing that ever come to their minds is that stalls can't be open for business (PISANG GORENG, kuih koci and etc) due to all of this.

Sometimes certain things are worth more than PISANG GORENG. Giving you scholarship and permit for your papa's clinics will not make people God, that whatever they did were correct and they're flawless.

Well you're a grown up. Maybe you should start to think. People get angry for reasons. When there are reasons, there must be logics behind it. Look at the facts. THEN you make conclusions.

DEAL WITH IT

2011-06-23T05:02:00.000-07:00

People can be extremely judgemental. And the best part is, they never give us chances to say a word. No explanations, no nothing. And whatever they said is the absolute truth. And everything we said are freakin' wrong.

How on earth you're gonna understand if you never learn how to listen? I might be wrong but at least gimme a chance to say something. I am not a 6 years old child who can't reason out my actions. I have reasons for whatever i'm doin' and if its wrong, at least let me tell you the reasons first before you judge me.

Yes i failed my SAM. Yes i didn't make it to Australia. And Yes i am here in Malaysia. And Yes i am not in Egypt surrounded with syeikhs and ustazs and people who understand Islam. And Yes my friends are not brown Malays and most of them aren't Muslim.

But DEAL WITH IT. This is my world now. This is not high school where everyone are Malays and Muslims. They were born and understand about the cultures and religions since they're babies. And of course I will need time to educate people about my culture. You don't go into a new area and demands people to roll by your ways. How on earth they wanna roll your way if you didn't educate them first? It needs time and you need to ensure people aren't hurt in the process.

Sometimes people amaze me on how quick they can pass judgement on others.

If and only if......

2011-04-19T09:03:00.000-07:00

If i had push a little bit harder............

If i stay up a little bit longer.............

If i asked more than others...........

If i do a little bit more...........

If i worked my ass more........

If........and only if..................

Well, that's what i always heard. That's how i used to feel (and still am sometimes).

The best part is..........

That's what people always said to me.

Friends.

Girls.

Guys.

Always.

Why?

Why you guys saying something like,

"If only I went there"

"If only I can meet him"

"If I was with him"

"If this....and that...."

Hahaha.

Sometimes it hurts me a lot.

Cause being here with the rest of us seems meaningless.

Insignificant.

Useless.

Unwanted.

I know i'm not equal to any of those people/places they would rather be.

But seeing us....

Was it a mistake?

A blunder?

What are we in front of your eyes?

I used to feel the same.

Thinking what i have is much less than others

Hoping for a better place to be.

Hatred and sadness overwhelming.

But i grew up.

In the dark days i was left behind

I met few good souls

Make a family

And move on.

YES, i did wished to be in a better place.

YES i used to long to see few familiar faces.

And YES I used to hope for something else.

Now i am different.

Thankful for what i have.

Thankful that i am here with you guys.

Thankful for a small little family that i built

Thankful for everything that i have.

Maybe

Just maybe

If you stop and look around

And think what you have instead of what you don't

Appreciate our presence in your life

Think what we've gone through

Think about what we should do

Think about who am I to you

Maybe

Just maybe............................................

You'll appreciate us more.

And that's the best thing i could ever wish for.

Why did I care?

2011-04-04T03:56:00.000-07:00

Hmmm.....

Why did I care? Why did I'm one of those who sacrifice time and energy for it?

I've never give a thought about it until this morning.

When one of my friends said,

" Politic in this country is a joke. Talking about crap stuffs like leaking roof etc......"

And here I am,

Standing there and thinking,

'Why in th world i do care for all things that happens in Malaysia?'

I give it a deep thought and finally come with answers.

'Because this is who I am'

'Because this is my country'

'Because I believe in making the right choice'

'And because i know part of being a good Muslim is the love for his country'

If not me, the younger generation to uphold justice and think or at least care for such stuffs,

Who will?

Obama?

Gordon Brown?

The point is that yes, what I can do as a student is awesomely limited at this time.

But hey,

Care for the country.

Take note of what is happening around.

Caring does not necessarily means you have to love it.

I don't like the stuffs politicians talk in TV and radio.

I don't like them slamming each other on daily basis.

But ignorance is definitely not an option.

Because this is MY country.

And i love my country.

Need You Right Now

2011-03-06T07:36:00.000-08:00

I think sometimes in life, you can really see if there's a need to be a good listener. Or someone just wish you to be there. And sometimes, no words are needed. Just a presence is enough. Here are those time when it comes :

1) When someone come and cry to you. Just stand there and keep in silence. No words are needed. If she needs a shoulder, just lend it for a while. No big deal.

2)If someone suddenly asked you on YM "Are you there?" Then when you asked them " What's up?" , they only reply "Nah. Just wanna know whether you're still there." This is a cardinal sign of someone need to talk to you. The best way is to just stay online long enough for them to start talking.

3) If someone come to you and said "Can i get a hug?" This one is usually in a big mess. You might wanna spent more time with them and listen to their stories.

4) If someone talk about want to tell you about something and suddenly stop or hesitated. He/she saw a need to tell you but uncertain about few things. So, just convince them that it is safe to talk to you and keep your words. Once betrayed, this kinda person will never trust you. Ever.

All in all, there will be times when we need someone in life. So if someone need us, just be there for them. Sooner or later, our turn will arrive. And i believe none of us wanna be left alone when the time come.

Sometimes, all we have is each other. Now, can i get a hug?

Of airplanes, airports and shooting stars....

2010-12-09T07:54:00.000-08:00

Everyone knew about wishes and shooting stars.
So if you don't see a shooting stars,
I guess airplanes are good enough.
When you see an airplane, there must be an airport.
And imagine
How much wishes you may have
If airplanes are equal to shooting stars.

I hate airplanes.
And airport.

It's hard to say goodbye!

2010-11-16T05:58:00.000-08:00

Erm.... I really HATE to say goodbye. It sucks and really broke my heart. But I guess that's life. Sometimes I wonder whether would it be better if we never meet cause certainly letting you go is excruciating. I am not a very verbal oriented person. That's why I never said how much you mean to me, or even how I appreciate your presence in my small little life. But I do hope that with little time we spent together this year, I do show you how much I appreciate you through my actions and stuffs that I do. Because I do believe that actions speak louder than words.

Next year is not gonna be the same without you. All the laughs, jokes and stuffs that we do together...now become memories. These are memories that I will cheer till the end of my time. Because you came when I was devastated with my pre-U results. You cheer me up, and become my friends when some of my old friends don't give a damn about me anymore. And for that, I am more than thankful to you. You reminds me that place doesn't matter, as long as we are good in what we do. You filled a hollow spot in me with happiness and joy.

If I could choose whether to let you go or to keep you here, I will definitely keep you here in Malaysia. But I do know that you go for your own sake and no one could stop you. If I could give you a hug right now trust me, I will. Because you mean a lot to me. And I really don't want to say goodbye. But I know that you will become a good doctor. Keep chasing that dream of ours. And I will become a good doctor myself. I hope that one day, our paths will cross again, be it as doctors or students. And on that day, I am the happiest man on earth. Goodbye my dear friends. I am honored to be a small part of your life.

I do not know where I stand in your hearts. But certainly you guys do have a special place in mine.

hurt no more

2010-10-30T08:33:00.000-07:00

Hmmm.......... It has been a long time since i write something here. MED 1022 really kill me. Awesomely busy, and i think sometimes i remember part of bones better than my friends' names. This is the path i choose, so i must endure it.

Well, i have seen lotsa people getting hurt in this year, more than any other years in my life. They said that as you grow up, things are getting more complicated. And yes, it is awesomely true. A simple conflict that can be solved in 3 minutes when you're 6 years old, now will take months sometimes years to be solved as you grow up. It is kinda ok actually. Cause as one grows up, his emotions and cognitive skills started to develop, and it defines who we are for the rest of the life. Life is now not eccentrically about you anymore, but it involves people around and these interactions will eventually shape your personality and characters.

Erm...i guess getting hurt is part of life and certainly inevitable. You really don't want it to happen, try your best to avoid it and still, things happened. No one can say anything about it. But personally, i would rather get hurt rather than hurting other people (this go for both emotionally and physically). Of course, it is superbly painful and sometimes you wished to destroy or hurt back whoever did all these kinda things to you. It is a normal human reaction.

Getting hurt is one thing, but hurting others are waaayyyy on different levels. The worst part of it is when you hurt others and never feel guilty about it. If you didn't realise it and never thought that your actions hurt others, it is ok provided that once you realised it, you apologised as soon as possible. But sometimes there are people who do realised their actions hurt others and still don't bother to say sorry. They still in any possible way defending their actions without the slightest concern to re-evaluate it.

I think that when some conflicts happened, in some way both parties are guilty. There is rarely a case where one side is totally responsible for a conflict (though it is rare, it do occur once in a while). Somewhere somehow we must have done something wrong along the way that sparks the conflict. So i do think that it is perfectly fine to just say sorry first though we awesomely feel that we are right. Asking for forgiveness never make a man smaller in this world, and he who forgives own the biggest heart of all. Sometimes by saying sorry, it cools down the other side and things can be solved way quicker and easier.

Other than that, i do think that if one hurts other too much, he/she will eventually get hurt back in life somewhere, somehow. Most of the time, it is worse than what he has done to others. What goes around comes around. So please. Don't hurt others unless it is necessary. Just make sure that when you hurt others, it is for a valid reason and not because some stupid reasons. But again, if you can stay out of conflict, it would be better. See, not everything that we feel or think should be expressed boldly (though some people do that). There are things that are better kept inside, no matter how much we disagree with it. Or at least if you wanna voice it out, do it properly.

I'm not suggesting anyone to be a saint, not hurting others at all. We are human, not angels. What i just wanna say that try your best to not hurt others. There is one quote that i really love. It sounds :

"I have long fear that my past sins will come and visit me. And the cost is more than i can bear"

So believe me. If you hurt too much people in life, there will be some moment in life where you yourself is gonna be hurt by others, and the pain is much more than you can ever imagine. And trust me. You never wanna be in that situation.

Changes

2010-10-15T05:03:00.000-07:00

Sometimes in life, we need changes. Major, minor.......not important. As long as we are different than before.

There can be a lot of reasons to change. Love, breakup, getting hurt, left out, a girl or a death can change someone in many ways.

Changes can be good. It give new air, new perspective and insights of who or what are you made of deep inside.

Changes can also be bad. It turns you into a merciless monster. A new character. Cruel. Different than who you were.

Changes can be extremely sad. When one was left with no choice but to forget who he was, and it takes a long time to get over with.

Changes sometimes made you feel like you need a hug, or just someone by yourside to say

"Hey, everything is gonna be alright"

But please remember one thing.

Never loose too much of yourself when you change. Isn't it sad to be who you aren't suppose to be?

Can't reason it out..........

2010-09-12T08:53:00.000-07:00

Hmmmmmmmmmm......
I rarely can't reason out my actions in life.
Well,
Sometimes i do act stupidly
But thats when I am joking and fooling around.
Lately somehow i do let my guard super duper down.
Telling something I shouldn't.
To a stranger.
Which complicates matter.

That night i didn't know why i was moved to talk.
Telling her every single thing that i've kept for years.
I mean every single detail.
And untill someone point to me
"Why did you tell her this kinda stuff?"
I thought it was the right action.

I think this is what happened
When you've been keeping something for a long time
Super long time
Sometimes you're hoping to find someone who will just understand
What you're talking about
At least an idea
Or a glimpse
That they're on the same page as you.
Once you found them
You are wayyyyyy too excited to tell'em everything
Without realising that it might lead to disaster
Or harm to others.
I really hope that she's a good person
Not an enemy
Or somethings like that.

Keeping a secret is a hard thing to do
It's a trust that others hold on you
A gift
A privillage
And i hope i hadn't make the wrong choice by letting her know.

p/s If by any odds you're reading this, know that i am not doubting you missy. I just don't understand why i told you everything that night. Because i never did it before, not even to my old friends.

Doushite?

2010-08-28T08:33:00.000-07:00

Why did I end up falling for you?
No matter how much time has passed,
I thought that you would always be here
But you have chosen a different road
Why wasnt I able to convey to you?

My feelings that were growing everyday and night
The words begin to overflow
But I know they wont reach you now
From the first day that I met you
I felt like I knew you
And the two of us melded together so naturally
Wherever we would go, it would be together
It was so natural for you to be with me

We grow up together
But you chose a different road
Why did I end up falling for you?
No matter how much time has passed,
I thought that you would always be here

Today, the day that holds a special meaning
The day that you stood with a smile of happiness
Praying to God in your beautiful dress
With a stranger next to you
I wish it was me
The image of you receiving blessings
How could I just stand aside and watch

So why did I end up falling for you?

We cant go back to that time,
Why wasnt I able to take your hand?
Why wasn't I able to steal your heart?
No matter how much time passes
You always shouldve been by my side
Now it will never come true

But, even though I say that I need you close to me
I just pray that you will be happy forever
No matter how lonely that makes me

"Watashi.......kekkonsurunda"

".....shiawasene..."

Why do I Fight?

2010-07-31T19:52:00.001-07:00

Well, this post is inspired by a few blogs and some life experience. In my medicine school, all of us, the MED 1022 kiddos were asked to choose a selective programs (program other than books, labs and Mr. Muscle) as a hurdle to go to the second year. Well, I choose martial art (cheap, convenience and on-campus training).

On the first day, all the trainers came and all of us gathers around. One simple question was asked,

"Why do you wanna join the martial art?"

Ahahahahaha. Here come the tricky part. This is a common question that any martial art teachers will ask their students. Sound simple, but it has a lot of meaning to both teachers and students. On that day, i was late due to some unavoidable matter but as soon as I get in the room, only a few people left to answer the question. A different and interesting answer was given by tonnes of people, and I somehow manage to deliberately avoid from answering that question in front of all other students. HAHAHAHAHA. I am good at avoidance and prevention =))

So now, I think it is time to see why do i wanna learn how to fight. Well here is my answer,

" I wanna learn how to fight so that i will never have to fight."

If i gave this answer on that day, surely it's gonna invite many questions from the instructors and stuffs. Nah. I hate to answer it in front of everyone. But now, let me explain my answer appropriately, since not many people know the existance of this site, and those who knows are within my reach, I think they have the right to know why i wanna to learn how to fight.

It is simple.In my humble opinion, to know how a fighter think will help me to avoid unnecessary fights. If backing off and saying "I'm sorry" can avoid fighting, then just do it. The people who ask for forgiveness will never become small in this world, and he who forgives has the biggest heart of all. Fighting is never a good thing. Someone will always get hurt. No matter who wins or loose, you will either get hurted physically or emotionally. I still remember what my first martial art teacher Pak Din said,

"If you can avoid fighting in any circumstances, do it. If you need to backoff, backoff and do it properly. But if you was left with nowhere to go, you can't go back, left,right,up or down to avoid fighting, then move FORWARD. FIGHT with all you have so that you will never regret it later."

I still believe in what he said to me up till this point. Sadly, it takes a long way for me to understand what he said. And I have to go through a lot of thing just to realise how important it is to stay away from unnecessary fights. When i was younger, I still remember how easily I can loose my temper and wanna kick someone's ass. I failed to understand whatever Pak Din said back there. And I have to pay a high price to it. More than I can bear.

The next thing why i wanna fight is the common reason why everyone wanna learn how to fight. To protect myself and someone I care for. When you want to protect someone, winning or losing is not important. For example, provided you're walking with a few girls on one night, there is no other guys available (how unlucky you are) and you decided to escort these girls back to their hostel. And out of blues, one idiot come and try to bug the girls. You've try to talk it off, but nothing works. The man get violence, and now is the right time to make a move. You fight the man, and tell the girls to run. You know that there is a huge possibility that you'll lost (every experienced fighter can judge his enemy, though sometimes they make mistakes). But guess what? It doesn't matter if you loose. Because the extra 5 minutes you give to the girls to run away back to their hostel, is way much more important than winning or hurting the man. That extra 5 minutes is what counts. I really think this is the different between fighting for one's glory and fighting to protect someone you care for. It's the efforts that counts, not the result.

I really hope that on any circumstances, i don't have to fight anyone or anything. It's better to stay safe and be in a peaceful condition. In this post, I wanna thanks Pak Din and Master Tony Lee for all their efforts in educating me all this while. Despite my big tummy and lack of stamina, they never gave up on me and believe in me. And thank you for making me a better man. I hope that by being good in martial art will make me better in another part, my life as a man. And Master Tony, please take care of yourself. I think all of us miss your unforgivable trainings and exercise. Owh one more thing. I really miss my old teams. May we see each other again one day!

Love + medicine =......................

2010-06-29T06:11:00.000-07:00

This semester had been a good one. It makes me think more than any other period in my life. I think I'm getting older. That's why i think much more than i used to. Being 20 is definitely marked a new kinda phase in life. At this age, the ability to understand others thoughts and emotions become extremely important. More than anything else. And somehow I think i'm getting good at it. Though i admit that i fumble a few times along the way.

See, sometimes it is really hard not to fall in love. I'll be the biggest liar to suggest that I have no one that i liked or interested either in Taylors or Monash. After all, i'm just a boy with a hormone imbalance (not my fault if i fall in love). It is a nature for us to like someone. Denying your nature is like saying no to food or water for 20 years. No one can do it. At least not me.

But see, medicine needs a lot of efforts and focus and attention and hardwork. This is not an easy course that one may past in 3 years without studying anything. First sem nearly choked me to death. Can't imagine next year in Year 2. Tonnes of works and stuffs to think and do. And if you reader is not a medicine student, try to observe one in your university. I think generally medicine students are the same all over the world. They study at least 6 days a week (cause saturday is NEVER a weekend) and sleep around 2 am (if they are a lazy student like me). Then you know, this is definitely a medicine student.

I'm not saying it is wrong to fall in love if you're a medicine student. But be really careful though. 5 years down the road, and you can't afford to fumble up in the whole 5 years. One sem out, then you need to repeat the whole year. Not a good idea financially. To make a commitment while studying.........I knew some people who succeed to have relationship while studying, but i can tell you, they are minority. Way minority. No kidding. But then, one will ask himself'

" If he can do it, why can't I?"

Ahahahaha. This is a hard question to answer.

Breaking up will definitely give you a hard time. It's not easy to loose someone. And the effect is definitely devastating. More devastating if you're a medicine student. But hye! I've also seen some medical students who perform well eventhough they involved in a relationship. Not saying that the break-up-is-devastating rule is applied to everyone but if you really think you can't handle it, stay away from it. Make sure you're tough enough to endure it. Then you can start (if you wish to)

And one more interesting thing i learn this semester. There is a high tendency for a medical student to fall in love with another medical student, ESPECIALLY those who works in a group. See, there is a say among us that 'only medical students understand each other'. I guess it make sense. For 5 years, if you talk about some kind of antibiotic or microorganism, the only person who will understand it is the girl next to you. And she is the one who you'll see everyday (especially if you're in a group) and you tend to be more honest with this kinda girl. After all, she laugh at your medical-jargons-kinda-jokes and she understand you if you're involve in some sort of difficulties. You turn to her when you stressed out or freak out before exam. And the best part is that she will turn back to you if she happened to freak out in exam too. It's not one-kinda-side relationship. That will definitely make a bond become stronger, and in less than 5 years, you will start to think she is the right person to have a life with.

But honestly, I don't know what to say actually. All these things can't be decided in a split second. After all, to love someone is not something that you can choose or decide the 'when' and 'who'. It just happened. More like a reflex. You don't think. You just love a person. No logical reasoning behind it. This is one of the things in life that most of us fail to reason. Love.

Ok. Now we come to 'WHAT I THINK' section (as if all the paragraphs above are not my personal opinions. HAHAHAHA). Again, as stated above, there is NOTHING wrong to fall in love. Feel free to do so. But it is important to learn how to control it, and when to express it. Of course, it ain't easy to keep everything by yourself. Sometimes you really wish to say it out loud. And seeing someone that you love 'snatched' by another guy from the same course is really not a good sight to see. Chill out though (i know it is not easy, but try ok?) Life offers you a lot of choices when you don't expect it to do so. Sometimes, to love never means to own. I always remember that. It keeps me strong all these years. And lastly,

' Let your love be like a misty rain. Slowly but flooding the river'

It is the quality that matters, not the quantity.

..............as a man or a friend?

2010-06-13T10:15:00.000-07:00

A girl come to asked something to me.

Girl : Would you let me go?

I stood there while thinking. For a moment we stood there in silence.

Me : Did you asked me as a friend or as a man?

Girl : Would it be of any different?

Me : Yes it is.

Girl : Then give your answer as a man.

Me : Please don't go. Because i love to be around you. You make me smile and feel comfortable. You make me feel warm and feel beloved. Your smiles make my day, and your happiness make me happy too. It has been long since someone do that to me. Way too long.

Girl : What is your answer as a friend?

Me : Go. Do whatever that you really want to do. Go and chase your dreams. Fullfill it. You don't want to regret for not chasing your dreams. What me or others think really are not important. It's your life now. Your happiness count most. Not mine. Or others.

The girl had nothing to say. She stood there silently, looking to the ground.

Me : And remember one thing. Whatever that makes you happy, will make me happy too. Promise me one thing. Whatever you do, please ensure you're happy doing it. This is my answer as a man and as a friend. Promise me will ya?

Frankly, i don't know how the story is gonna end. I think i shall wait and see. And hope for the best. Now, it is up to you to decide, GIRL.

I am sorry..........

2010-06-10T07:19:00.000-07:00

Sometimes in life, I wish I can help people with their problems. See, I REALLY hope sometimes I can do something besides being an audience. The best thing I can do is to talk to them, help them release whatever that they have in their chests and comfort them. But that's all I can do.

Certain things are way beyond my limits. When people I care struggle with life, it really hurts me too. It hurts to watch them go through everything and doing nothing. I might not ever been in those situations but know that i really feel the pain. I know how strong they might try to look in front of me, smiling and laughing but deep inside they are bleeding. I wish I can do something to help reduce the pain or at least do something active to help them.

I am sorry for my helplessness. I am sorry for not knowing it much more earlier. I am sorry that you have to go through all of these.

The best thing i can do is to lend an ear to listen. A shoulder to cry. Or a pat to comfort you. But there is one thing that i can promise you. I will always be right here if you need me. I won't budge or move a bit. I am available 24-7. No kidding. You call me at 3 am, and i will be awake to listen to your stories. You call, I haul.

And one more thing.

If it is destined that you aren't gonna be with me for the next 5 years, know that you'll always have a place in my heart. Although we only knew each other for 4 months, it is more than enough to make me appreciate your presence in this journey. Whatever you choose or wherever you will be, I will always pray the best for you. And may happiness be with you in hardship and sorrow. I don't care whatever people say about it, but you will always be a doctor in my eyes. Always.

Why I didn't cry.

2010-04-26T07:42:00.000-07:00

I know that tears are priceless.
One can never equate the value of his tears to others.
Tears relieve anger.
Fear.
Emotion.
Sometimes tears represent all the things that you can't say literally.
That's why it is priceless.

But why do I didn't cry?
When i was expected to.
When everyone else do.
When even I feel i need to.
Why didn't I cry?

So again,
Why i didn't cry?

The answer is simple.
Yet took me a long time to find it.
Sometimes rationalisation comes with age.
The more you grow,
The more you understand the meaning of life.

Well,
Why didn't i cry?
It is simply because.....
I need to be there for you.
To soothe you.
To calm you down.

Trust me.
I am hurted as much as you.
I want to cry as much as you do.
Sometimes even more.
But
If i started to cry,
Who will soothe you?
Who will say to you,
"Everything is gonna be all right?"
"i will be here for you"

If given a chance,
So that only one of us can cry,
I would rather that person is you.
Let it be you.
Because,
Your happiness count.
Not mine.
Not me.

In the end,
I will only stand there.
Offering a shoulder to cry.
Cause that is who am I to you.
A shoulder to cry on......
And if that is who am I in your eyes,
I am more than happy to accept it.
Though no one know how we will end.
Let's fate decide the rest.

besides you....

2010-04-03T00:29:00.000-07:00

In the middle of this drifting season,
i suddenly feel how long the day is.
In the midst of this quickly-passing days,
You and i dream away.

With my feelings on this soft wind,
The cherry blossom buds continue to blossom.
In the overflowing of light,
You presence slowly warm me.

Besides you,
i am a little bit embarassed.
i am standing in front of a door to the new world.
What i've realised,
Is that you are always beside me.

Every time i closed my eyes.
There you will be.
Right next to me.

How strong has that made me?
Not to be left alone.
To know that someone is always besides you,
Make me stronger for days to come.
And i hope i am the same for you.

From now on, i want you to quietly smile besides me.

If i closed my eyes,
You are always in my mind.
How strong has that made me?
More than you can ever imagined.

Stay with me.
Always be by my side.
i wish i could be the sky.
So that i can always watch you.
And protect you wherever you are.

Syukran!!!

2010-03-18T05:51:00.000-07:00

I am so happy that i am speechless. HAHAHAHAHA
I know i am not kinda guy who always be speechless in ocassions but this one is different.
I as really SPEECHLESS.

It was around 11 am in the morning. I was in my class and my phone buzz. Of course i won't pick it up cause it is RUDE to do so in the class, eventhough there is no lecturer inside. We were having group discussion.

After the class, i went to the cafeteria and check my inbox. There is 2 msessages. I open the first one and it said

" BANG, ALHAMDULILLAH. ATIP DAPAT 10 A+"

I was puzzled. In my time, I used to take 11 subjects. So i asked send my father back,

"MANA A LAGI SATU? BUKAN PATUTNYA 11 SUBJEK KE?"

Then my father replied,

"ATIP AMIK 10 SUBJEK JER. MANA ADA LAGI SATU."

I was so happy! I thought there was a B or stuff like that because I used to take 11 subjects. I forgot that after i left SMK GHAFAR BABA, they had change the policy to 10 subjects per person.

So, Dear MUHAMMAD A'FIF BIN AMRAN, I am so proud of you. You had been one of the 12 MALACCA'S BEST STUDENT, something that I never reached before. SURPASS me. That's why I am alive. So that my brothers and sisters can surpass my achievements. I am USELESS if you guys fail to surpass me. Be the best. Be someone better than me. If I am a GP, you must be a surgeon or something better.

To AMIRUDDIN AMRAN, I MISS YOU A LOT. You know it is not easy for your big brother to say he miss someone, unless he really means it. And I mean it. Study well and do the best in your final exam. Get MUMTAZ or one grade below that ( i don't know what they call it in Arabic). Be the best. A'fif had beat both of our records. So both of us must work harder to set the new point for our younger brothers and sisters.

To NAWARRAH AND MAISARAH, both of you MUST GET BETTER THAN THE THREE OF US. If A'fif be the Malacca's best student, you guys must be the National's best student or the world's best student, or the inter-galaxy best student. SURPASS THE THREE OF US. Go and chase your dreams, whether you want to be a vet, or a scientist. InsyaAllah we will have 3 doctors in the family. I don't mind if you guys want to add the number to five. Study hard ( but not so hard till you get stressed out. Chillax dude)

Lastly, i am so grateful for my family and for everything that I have.

Oh Allah, please protect my brothers and sisters the way you protect me when I was younger. Show them mercy and compassion as You give me when I was a small kid. Protect and love them more than anything else. Show them the right direction as You showed me when I was 15. Lastly, strengthen our bond till the Day of Judgement. And may we meet again in Your Jannah, as a family.

Amin.

One month.

2010-03-03T02:52:00.000-08:00

My dearest Josephine,
It is strange to think,
I have not seen you in a month.
I have seen the new moon, but not you.
I have seen sunset and sunrise,
But nothing of your beautiful face.
The pieces of my broken heart are so small,
That it can be passed through the eye of a needle.
I miss you like the sun misses the flower in the depths of winter.
Instead of beauty to direct its light to,
The heart hardens like the frozen world,
Your absence has vanished me into.
The next time wherever i will be,
I will find it empty and cold without you.
Hope guides me,
It is what gets me through the days to come.
The hope that after you have gone from my sight,
It will not be the last time i look upon you.
With all the love i possess,
I remain yours,
The knight of your heart.

deceased....

2010-02-02T19:14:00.000-08:00

No one will ever be prepared to face death, not even the strongest of mankind. You see, sometimes we might choose not to cry or wail like others but at this age, when you started to understand how others feel, deep inside you actually do cry. But sometimes, people choose to be strong for others, despite what it had costs them.

I haven't been to a funeral quite for some long period of time. Recently, i went to one. But this one is different. For the first time i really stand at the edge of the grave and watch the whole process. The last time i went to a funeral, i was younger and most of the adults never let me do that. So this time, no one say 'no' to me.

It is certainly not a happy sight. As the corpse is lowered down, there is a real sad and silence. It is not the words that makes me think. But the sights. And when they cover the body with soil, you feel really lonely. I do feel it. As if i am dead. And i know i will.

It reminds me to the first death that i saw, a real life struggling event in front of my eye. It happened during my medical attachment in malacca GH. I still remember the patient's bed, bed number 7, situated at the corner of a room, near a window in the high care unit, near the nurse station. That old man was already intubated, and when i started my morning round with the doctors, i saw him still breathing and alive. At approximately 9.00 am, a nurse rushed to us and said the old man had stop breathing.

We rushed there and looked there was someone near the bed of the grandpa. It was his son. He looked puzzled and panicked when every machines at his father's side started to blinking and beeping. The nurse asked her to get out, and they started the reviving procedure. I was allowed to stand beside the doctor and i saw the whole things. Then the doctor asked me to changed a defibrillator machine as the one they were using now was sort of malfunction. I strolled the machine out of the room and grab another one.

There was when it happened. Somehow, i accidently saw the grandpa's son. Our eyes meet for a moment. It is a sight that i will never forget. The look in his eyes. Eventually we failed to revived the grandpa. Then the son came in, kneeling besides his dad, crying and whispering something in his ear. I surely will never forget that moment. It had been a year passed and i still remember each detail clearly. And it will always stuck in my head forever.

So to all doctors-to-be, death is not something that you can face easily and calmly. No matter how much you said you are prepared, it is still hard to accept it. No such thing as 'calm' will ever existed when you face a death of someone. The best thing you can do is to be strong for others. Although somehow you weep inside, just be strong for others.

And mark me, once you have seen a death, you will never been able to forget it. It will always stay with you. I never forget it. No one will. At this age, you will remember every tiny detail about what you see and feel. So be prepared. It is scarry, but we need to face a lot of death as a doctor. If you did not believe me, try to follow a corpse until the graveyard. And when they lowered the body down, watch it carefully at the edge of the grave. And then at the night, try to say to yourself "it's ok". Trust me, you won't be able to do it.

Every living thing will die. So do I.

Destiny...

2010-01-27T06:11:00.000-08:00

My dearest Josephine,

This is the story of the first and last time I ever fall in love with beautiful, complex, and a very attractive young woman.

I am sure you are going to leave me tomorrow. So I better say this while i have the chance. Whether we are together or apart, you will always be the woman of my life. The only man i will ever envy, is the man who wins your heart. I always believe that it was my destiny to be that man.

I really hope that i am not tearing you apart. For to depart from each other is the last thing a man ever wish from a girl. But i know it is a must. I hope that i am sitting with you while you are reading this letter. But if I am not,

It is not because I don't love you,

Because I do.

It is not because i never miss you,

Because I miss you already.

I am grateful to fulfill my destiny to be with you. Although it is for a short period of time, I am more than happy with every second that i had with you. If we are destined for each other, i hope that our story did not end right here. For destiny is

" A bridge that built to the one you love"

We have built ours, and i am pretty sure of it.

If we never see each other again, when you are walking out alone one day, and feel certain presence besides you, that will be me, loving you wherever I am.

I wish you a story with a happy ending, and wisdom to search for it.

From magnifying glass to scalpel.

2010-01-19T07:39:00.000-08:00

I was sitting on a chair and suddenly something rushed into my mind. It feeled so nostalgic, like years before. So innocent, and so exciting. I wish i can be there again.

Back in my primary school, i always amazed on how a simple magnifying glass can enlarge a lot of things. This piece of 'magic' glass has always fascinated me in a mysterious way. I think this is the beginning of my life as a science student. On how i end up in medical field. Back there i also love to stay late in the class especially after experiments using a microscope. I will stay behind and used to watch extra things with the microscope. Sometimes just a dust from an eraser, or anything small enough to be observed. And it will make up my day.

And in secondary school, my first dissection is a frog while i was in form 3. Seriously i didn't know anything back there. I never dissect a living, breathing organism. Thankfully one of my seniors gladly teach me on every steps of the process. I am grateful to that big sister whose name i never got. And in form 4 and form 5 i dissected more animals. Here is the list.

4 frogs
1 mice
1 worm
1 fish
1 cockroach

It was really funny on one afternoon where we dissected a frog. After the frogs are tranqualised with chloroform, one of my partner actually kissed the frog that we supposed to dissect. Along the way in the dissection, i noticed that his blade was shaky and somewhat he can't stand properly. After a few minutes, he took a chair and sit, until we finished dissecting. Then i got back to him and ask the 'why' question. It appeared that he accidently smelled the chloroform on the frog's body, causing him to be sedated too. We laughed all day about it. Poor kid....

Well, this might be my last post before i officially become a medical student. Maybe this might be my last post after all. I don't know what lies ahead, or whether i will have time to write something here again. I really hope that what i have been through in my life and everything i wrote can be a lesson for others. I didn't do a great job in my SAM life, and i can't be where i want to be. No matter how you put it, the easiest way to explain it is that i fail to achieve my target. Nobody to be blamed but myself. Not MARA, Placement or anyone else. So i really hope that it is not going to repeat itself in my degree study. I have to make sure it won't happened again.

Well, I guess this is a goodbye from me.

2010

2009-12-31T08:05:00.000-08:00

This is the first time in my whole life i am in doubt about something in new year's eve. In fact, it has been going on for weeks before that. I never think so much about new years before. But this time is different. Maybe because i am on the verge of two turning points in my life.

Which one is better?
Keeping the old things together, although you are not sure how will it be in the next 5 years,
OR
Forgetting everything in 2009, and starting all over again in 2010.

I have good reasons to do both. That's why i can't decide it.

To keep things in 2009 and bring it in 2010 are good, because 2009 had been a life saver for the previous years. In 2009 i learn about tonnes of things, have friends and for the first time feel that I am belong to a place. I learn how to love and care, forgive others and a lot of things that you usually see in moral lessons.

BUT

2009 also bring sadness to me. I made a vow to myself that now i am really in doubt about it. I don't usually break my vows before. The sense of not able to be together again makes me think on keeping up with the things in 2009. Is it worthy? We have 5 years ahead. Keeping it together sometimes seems impossible. Things will CHANGE for sure. And I am not ready for it.It will at certain point be awkward, where you are not part of each other life, but still keep it together. You are now an outsider to the other one. So do them to you. Then what's the point? Isn't it better to forget everything and start a new life?

NOW

The only think that link me to them are memories. That's all. I know how priceless it were to us. I never had such memories all these years. And of course i really do appreciate it. More than anything. i don't know. Maybe i am hurted too much in a sense. Though i am keep saying "it's ok" but still the wounds bleed heavily inside me. And not being able to show it make things worse. That's why now i am in doubt, about things that i never doubt in my entire life.

MAYBE

The fact that i used to get hurted also affected my judgement. To loose someone in a blink of eye is really cruel. You will never look at the world in the same picture, that's one thing i can assure you. Maybe i am afraid of things going to repeat again. Maybe that's why i choose to be so secretive all these years. Maybe i can never survive another wound like that. Maybe i am too afraid to forget, but at the same time afraid to move on, or maybe, just maybe I am really can never forget them. Ever.

SO

I need to decide before the first sun of new year. Wether to keep what i used to have, or forget about it and move on, I really help God will help me with that. I really don't know what to do. I hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.

IF

Suddenly somehow i disappear in 2010, know that i have made the choice of disappearing forever. It is not because I hate you, but because i really can't forget you. If the only way to forget you is by leaving you, then i will have to do it, though it will certainly breaks my heart. Know that the first thing that one's do will always stay forever.

GODSPEED.

..........

2009-12-29T08:41:00.000-08:00

I would rather losing someone out of a sudden,
Than knowing that i will loose that person on one day.
Reality is harsh.
It's hard to say goodbye.
For some reasons, it hurt.

Instead of,
"i love you"
The only thing left now is,
" i liked you"

urmmmm.....

2009-12-27T06:37:00.000-08:00

A man can hurt a woman more than he can ever imagined.

uh.....

2009-12-15T18:09:00.000-08:00

I want to cry, but i can't.
I want to scream, but somehow i am speechless.
I have nothing left.
Not even my pride.
Me have nothing.......

Imagine the burden of not able to share anything with others.
Just need to keep it by yourself.
It's hard.
Excruciating.

Beauty and the beast.

2009-11-19T07:15:00.000-08:00

I am just wondering tonight. Looking at something that makes my mind running at full capacity.

BEAUTY

Hmmmm......

What is beauty?

Is it lies on something materialistic?

Physical?

Spiritual?

Or just another mask,

Covering everything and nothing.

While I am wondering, I do realise one thing. I love things the way they are. The first sight. Nothing more. Or less. Addition might be good, but you will lost yourself in the effort of improving something which is already yours.

Too less, and you will hide the truth, not being you, and the result will be the same. Lost in action.

And I also realise one thing. BEAUTY, when you reveal it everyday, everytime, you will lose it. It is some sort of secret weapon. The element of surprise is always important. Once your target knew the weapon, it will become useless.

So how am I going to define beauty?

BEAUTY is maybe something that no man can define.

But if you are beautiful to me, never worry about anything.

Because you will always be beautiful to me, in any given days or place.

J1 0807..... Sayonara

2009-11-16T18:08:00.000-08:00

It is really sad to leave something that we love very much. Somehow, saying goodbye is excruciating. For the first time in 19 years of my life, I have someone who I can call friends. Never in my life I feel sad to leave my friends. I should say something to my friends, but i am really sucks when it come to saying something from my heart. You can ask me to give any speech, even in Japanese, but one thing I can never do is being honest about what I feel. So, I am going to write something to honor my friends.

When I am at primary and secondary schools, end of years is almost like nothing. I fight at the end of Standard 6, Form 3 and Form 5. Nice huh? Maybe because I have been stuck in Masjid Tanah so long, and knowing that I can see my friends anytime I want never bring the sadness to the last day. But this time it is different.

Maybe because I have grown up so much, and having Joneights with me strengthen the bond between us. Knowing that I will not been able to easily meet Joneight like my schoolmates change everything. All of us come from different parts in Malaysia. And seeing each other is not as easy as walking around Masjid Tanah anymore. It hurts. A lot.

I don't want to say goodbye anymore. I used to lost a lot of my friends. That's why I am really sad to end this relationship. For the first time I feel I am belonging to a place. For the first time someone honor me and say they miss me. Maybe some of you used to have friends saying they miss you or they care for you. Not me. Never once in my life someone other than my family honor me to this extent. I never had this kind of experience like others. My past somehow quite tough. That's why I am rarely share with anyone else about my feeling. I don't know how to do it. And I never have someone other than my family to share with.

For everything that has happened to me for the past one and half years, I am grateful for it. I am grateful for every single friends that I have now. They grew me up, inside and outside. Life is gonna be rough after this. Everyone will have their own path. I myself will never be sure when all of the Joneights can be together again. Even if we are, things will change right? Everybody will have their own lives. Things will never be the same again.

Know that Joneights presence are extremely important in my heart. You guys fill the gaps that have been left for years. When I first come to Taylor's, I think that it will all start over again. I will never make friends, or having someone close to me. You guys change that perception. Change me. And i will never ever been able to say thank you. You guys are not just a minor character for me. You are part of me.

Well, whether I like it or not, I will have to say goodbye. But there is one thing I believe when people say goodbye. They will meet again. And I am looking forward on that day. If it is destined that we shall never meet again, may we meet in the next world. I can't promise much to you guys, but there is one thing I can.

" I will always keep these memories in two places. One of course in my cerebral cortex. Where else can i keep it? The other one is close to my heart. So that every time I love and care for someone else in the future, I know it starts with you guys, Joneights."

Love, life and loose

2009-09-26T19:21:00.000-07:00

Love, life and loose.
Interesting.
A common thought
"We are not destined for each other"
Is it true?
What is destiny then?

Destiny,
Is when you go and meet her in restaurant,
When you ask her out for a movie,
When you spent time with her in a tiring shopping tour,
And when you accompany her when she needs you.
Because destiny is actually
"A bridge that you built between you and the person you love"

Know that,
When I did not come to see you,
It is not because i don't love you,
But it is because i really love you.
When i did not call you,
Not because i never miss you,
But because i really miss you.

Given that on one ordinary day,
When you feel someone by yourside,
You turn around and notice no one is there,
Know that it is me,
Who will always love you,
From anywhere i will ever be.
Goodbye.

Unpredictable

2009-09-12T15:25:00.000-07:00

Life is indeed unpredictable.
Used to ignore this phrase.
"Maybe just another crap from some philosopher"
And it proves me wrong.

I am a man of logic.
Never take a decision without calculated risk.
Though sometimes i do stupid things for fun.
Most of the time I can expect what will happened.
Or at least have a hunch about it.
People do make patterns.
Whether you realise it or not,
We are like books.
Easily predicted.

And last week i was shocked.
Got to a point where i expect to rot.
And fall down.
Night after night i am preparing for the judgement.
Know it is my fault.
Like always.

Then the result turn out the other end of the world.
Way than I ever predicted.
When i expect to be blamed,
Disgraced,
And dishonoured,
I get encouragement.
A warm smile.
And a piece of advices.

Why?
I don't know.
Speechless.
This is one of the few moments
Where i can't think a reason for it.
Maybe
Just maybe,
It is true.

LIFE IS UNPREDICTABLE.

Let go....

2009-08-27T09:45:00.000-07:00

To let go,
Is hardest part in life.
Maybe because,
We are afraid that,
The memory
Is the only thing we have,
The only thing we worth.
No matter how dark it is,
No matter how sorrow it is,
It is the only thing that we can remember,
About our very existance.

Maybe we are afraid,
If we ever let it go,
Then we will have nothing left.
After all,
That is the part that we cheerish the most.
Our pride.
Or maybe,
Just maybe...
We do accept things that happened,
And just need someone to talk to.

The truth sometimes hurts.
A lot.
But we still need to continue our lives right?
Though maybe that wounds will leave scars and marks,
They do grow us up.
In a sense.

Maybe if we never,
Endure the pain,
Or hurted so much,
Till we feel so numb,
We will never be who we are.
Or standing here right now.
Or learn something from the past.

I am here because of what i have been through.
And i am here because of you...

p/s If that particular 'person' read this entry, know that i owe her so much, more than she can ever imagine. Thank you for helping me to move on. And i am grateful for your presence in my life.

Wondering..........

2009-08-11T08:14:00.000-07:00

It's weird though.
Today I am wondering........
Why things that is so easy to be done when we were children,
Become so hard right now.
Why do we can't do it the way,
We used to do it.
Why can't we even feel,
The way we used to feel?

Things do change a lot.
But sometimes,
The best condition,
Is when we don't know a lot of things.
So that we will never be prejudice.
Or making assumptions about somethings.

I want to hate.
But I can't.
I want to love like i used to.
But i can't.
Now i am clueless.
It feels so weird,
When you can't do things that you used to.

Bon Odori~

2009-07-18T09:40:00.000-07:00

Finally!!!!!
I have been waiting for so long to go to this festival. Since i learn Japanese culture in Form1. Finally i made to this festival. I am so happy to be here, at the festival. I appreciate it more than anything else. Seriously. So so happy. I will remember this festival forever! And one more thing, i realised a few things during this festival:

1) Japanese are BEAUTIFUL. Seriously. When they were kimono or yukata, they look even more elegant and charming.

2) There are a lot of thing that i haven't explored in this world. Being in this festival make me realised how much that i didn't know about world.

Here are some pics!

This cute little girl is one of the first picture i take when i arrive. Her mom is a Japanese and can speak some English. She had a little sister, but the little sister is too scared to an outsider. So, i just shoot her picture.

These japanese girls i meet just outside a stall. 3 of them, and eating some Japanese noodle.

A typical Japanese family.

Colourful yukata!

Some of the dancers

It's her again~

And again~

Another dancer.

They are preparing for the ceremony....

Cute!

Smile!!

Peace!

This girl look so nice in that yukata.

This cute little girl follow her mother to dance around.

This picture is one of my favourite picture of all. I meet these little Japanese girls near the end of the ceremony. Both of them are walking around. I go to them and ask " Chotto ne,". And i took the first picture. It is distorted. Then I point up my finger, to take another shot. " Moichido," one of the girl whispered to her friend. Then after we finished, we bow to each other. It is just amazing how in this world language is not a big barrier.

Though we don't expertly know each other's languages, we can still live together.

I am really glad that i have the oppurtunity to go to these ceremony. In the future, i want to continue my study in Japanese culture to the highest level. And I really want to be in Japan, at least once. It is good to see all of these cultures alive despite the modern world. I really appreciate this conservative, local and old thing because without a culture, a nation will never have an identity.

Ja~

Mata ne!

Sayonara...

Romeo and Juliet

2009-07-13T08:42:00.000-07:00

You are a rose, by any other name...

Taegukgi

2009-06-27T02:38:00.000-07:00

I rarely say a movie is sad or almost cry for it. But this one movie do knock my heart. Taegukgi. Brotherhood. I am really sad after watching this movie. Somehow it really touch my heart. I almost cry at the end of this movie. It depicts a lot of thing that other directors failed to grab. Let me summarize it.

1) First and foremost, the movie express how much a man will do to take care someone he love, even if he had to give his life.

2) It depicts how much human can change after an awful event happened to him, from a good side to the dark side.

3) Sometimes in life, we do things just for the sake of others. But somehow, these people never appreciate it. It maybe look like that we are trying to be famous or some sort of showing off, but they forget that we have their best interest in our heart.

4) The movie depicts how much a man is affected by everyone he loves, eventhough sometimes he never show it. Maybe some men are like that, they just don't know how to show their feelings.

5) The movie also depicts how strong a bond between two brothers, and how much they care for each other.

6) Hatred is a destructive weapon.

7) War is not a good thing. someone will always get hurt.

Lastly, the most important thing is that this movie make me realise that one man can stand against all the odds just to make sure someone they care live happily, even if he himself have to suffer a lot of cruciating events. And it is good to know that someone we love live happily ever after, even if we are not alive to be by their side.

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength,

While loving someone deeply gives you courage"

What Is Growing Up?

2009-06-24T05:32:00.000-07:00

Today there is one particular topic that grab my attention the most. An easy question. "What Is Growing Up?" I have been thinking some period of time and realised this is not an easy question to answer. So here is what I think 'Growing Up' means

1. You are growing up when you get hurted easily by things that you never care when you are a child.

2. You are growing up when you want to care for someone more than you care about yourself.

3. You are growing up if you want somebody to be part of your life in the future, and still unable to voice out to her. Somehow she feel so close, yet so far.

4. You are growing up when you have been rejected for a few times by different sex.

5. You are growing up when you feel you are ready to take some responsibilities, although it is way beyond your capabilities.

6. You are growing up when you say a lot of 'yes' even you really want to say 'no' to something, just to make sure no one get hurt.

7. You are growing up if you know how to spell 'B.E.T.R.A.Y.A.L'

8. You are growing up if you sense that it is harder to forgive and forget.

9. You are growing up if you start to understand a situation without words being spoken.

10. You are growing up when you have to blend in a society, and feel alone even in your own house.

Lastly, the most significant sign of growing up is,

"When you have to mend a broken heart"

Past

2009-06-22T05:48:00.000-07:00

When people say they really don't care,
Or they really don't like about someone or something,
Or just say no to something,
Somewhere,
Somehow,
They care.
They love something.
And say yes to everything.
Just for the time being,
They need some space for themselves.
To forgive.
And forget.

Maybe the past is tough,
Hurting them so much.
Overwhelming.
Haunting.
And they become afraid.
To trust.
To let the presence of others in vicinity.
The feel of insecurity.
Threaten by the memory.

Knowing that you have someone to trust,
To care for,
Even to love,
After losing everything,
May seems impossible.
But sometimes,
People are more than we ever imagine.
Among the demons,
There will be angels.
And among hatred,
There will be love.

Maybe we need some extent of time,
To think.
Along the hatred that we live,
We used to love someone.
Within the sense of insecurity,
Someone actually used to care for us.

Learn how to love.
Because it eliminates the hatred.
Learn to care for others.
For that they will care for you.
And learn to forgive,
For you will always be forgiven.

Can I?

2009-06-20T06:48:00.000-07:00

Hmmm...
For the first time in my life, I am in doubt.
About some responsibilities.
Can I do it?
I don't know.
I really don't know.
I am afraid that i will mess thing out.
Flunk out somehow along the journey,
Or the result may not turn out as expected.
I am afraid of the unknown.
To back off,
Will mean that I will never be able to carry out these responsibilities forever.
The first step is always the hardest.
And this time in my life,
I need someone by myside,
To help me to get through this phase in my life.
It is a totally new thing for me.
And i am really clueless on how and why.
Why am I choosen,
Or how I am choosen.
But I believe in the judgement of those who choose me.
They have faith in me.
Their trust and hopes are on my shoulder to carry.
And I hope i will not to have to carry it alone.
I am declaring for the first time that,
I can't do this thing alone.

Somehow I realised,
The more I try to deny these responsibilities,
The more I am actually preparing for it.
The more I try to get away from it,
The closer I get to it.
Changes are a must.
I need to change somehow to get this thing done.
And I am also afraid of changes.
Because changes cost me a lot of things last time.
Though it also teach me a lot of things about life,
It hurts a lot too.
I am losing tonnes of things that I love.
And care.

Time is short.
Whether I like it or not,
Whether I am prepared or not,
It's coming.
Fast.
Oh Allah,
Please help me through this time.
Like my friends like to say,
"Gentlemen, start your engines"

So will I ever be able to carry out the responsibilities?
I don't know.
I really don't know....

wow..

2009-06-08T06:35:00.000-07:00

This test is da bomb.
Out of 100%, almost 80% is right.
Who make this quiz is a genius.
I can't believe it.
After all people fail to read my behaviour,
I lost to machine....
I can't believe it.

Your view on yourself:
Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are not looking merely for a girl/boyfriend - you are looking for your life partner. Perhaps you should be more open-minded about who you spend time with. The person you are looking for might hide their charm under their exterior.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:
You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?

Your views on education:
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self:
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

Whoever did this thing,
You have my deepest recpect.

isk..isk...

2009-06-08T06:15:00.000-07:00

A lot of time,
The person we love so much,
Hurt us the most.

Damn. I hate it.

Kenapa?

2009-06-02T06:35:00.000-07:00

Kenapa perlu patuh,
Pada sesuatu yang tidak pasti sebabnya?
Kenapa perlu ikut,
Suara hati yang tiada penghujungnya?
Kenapa perlu korbankan masa,
Untuk cinta yang tidak pasti kesudahannya?
Kenapa perlu berharap,
Pada sesuatu yang tidak kunjung tiba?

Kenapa perlu ditangisi,
Pemergian yang sudah pasti?
Kenapa perlu diratapi,
Kehilangan yang hakiki?
Kenapa perlu marasai,
Semua ini?

Penantian?
Mencari suatu kepastian?
Hidup dalam penafian?
Ataupun setia dalam perjanjian?

Seulit peristiwa,
Secebis memori,
Sepatah kata,
Bisa aku merasa.

Penantian,
Tinggal satu penantian.
Pengharapan.
Kebarangkalian.

Tiada kesudahan.
Dan hamba,
Pacal yang hina,
Bergelumang dalam kekecewaan.

Life.

2009-05-10T08:49:00.000-07:00

When you say thanks you to me,
For some reasons,
It hurts.
Like a magic spell that doesn't get undone,
A hint of bitterness.
Stuck in between friends and lovers,
Like unripe fruit dreaming about the day of harvest,
Being unable to just move,
One step forward,
Is what cause this frustration.

Sweet talks,
And tasteless conversation,
They spark no interest in me.
Even when things,
Do not go the way you want,
It does not mean,
You have thrown your life away.

When asked,
"What's wrong?"
I answer,
"It's nothing"
The smile that disappear,
After the goodbye.

It's unlike me.
The more i want to believe in you,
For some reasons,
It hurts.
"I like you"
Instead of,
"I love you"
Sounds more like you.

The time when you suddenly remember,
The scent of someone,
You had almost forgotten.
The white purity of the falling snow,
I want to be able,
To openly and honestly cherish it.

A future,
Tender and warmer than diamond,
I want to grasp it,
In this limited time we have,
I want to spend it,
With YOU.

Kirai!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-04-26T01:01:00.000-07:00

I really HATE when someone claimed i'm theirs!
When i was by one side, no one ever know how to appreciate me.
I'm really feel like beating someone until one get to ICU.
Arghhhhhhhhhh!!!
Why do people always be so fool?
Proud of something that are not their's?
Pretending like time can heal everything?
And the worst,
Forget all the injustice that they served me.
HA HA.
They forget one thing!
I CAN HATE PEOPLE MORE THEN NORMAL PEOPLE EVER DO!

Avalon

2009-04-23T09:36:00.000-07:00

I might forget her voice and personality one day,
But I will always remember that i loved someone called Saber.
I sense you so close,
But I can't reach you even i reach out.
But even if I can't reach,
There are things that remains in my heart
Right?

We lived at the same time,
And saw the same things,
As long as we remember that,
We can believe that we are one,
Even if we are far apart.

I will keep running for the moment,
Because I should reach,
What I seek if i keep running.
It was no coincidence that we met,
But rather,
Fated destiny....

Ai no uta~

2009-04-18T08:51:00.000-07:00

If there is one drama that i really like to watch beside all the medical -related dramas is Proposal Daisakusen. At first, i really don't know WHY i am so interested in this drama. It eventually take some time before i realised the reasons behind this behaviour.

Hmmmm... Let see. A few things happened that make me realise about how good the drama is. I have been watching it for a few times and finally, a few days ago, i just found the right reason to like the drama. Things happened and I accidently found it after a few thinking skills are involved.

First, i do realised know that of all drama that i have watched in 19 years, this particular drama is the best drama that defines what love is all about. LOVE is not as simple as loving each other, or by declaring someone is yours. There are a lot more than that. To love someone is a responsibility, as a man will take the girl from her family thus, making him responsible to make the girl happy with their life.

Secondly, love also requires a lot of efforts, sacrifices and patience. It is not as easy as saying " I love you " or " Would you like to be my girlfriend?" . There will be sometimes later on the relationship where one will fight with each other, or even mutual wars with their partners. These are all things that need to be considered before one take any actions.

Thirdly, now i really do understand why do love sometimes are undefined by words. It is not that a person is just coward or so call 'lie to himself', but it is seriously far more complicated. When it comes to feeling, no one could ever tell a reason for WHY and WHEN.

Fourth, I also realised that rushing in love is the worst decision a man can do. Sometimes, people get excited in certain circumstances and tends to act according to their instinct, not their logic.Well, LOVE have no logic right? I am not saying here that hesitation is a good choice too because if it is too late, then everything you hope for will be gone for good. Well, what can i say is that when you are ready to take the responsibility, you will know it by yourself. Life is a long journey. Tackle the problems one by one.

All in all, this is what can i conclude about the drama.

Sometimes in life, we tend to ignore the people that is always be there for us whenever we need them. Whether we are sad, or happy, or even angry, this 'particular' person is always there by ourside. LOVE is not just words, it include actions too. The PRESENCE of someone by ourside are something that we should treasure the most, above anything else. If LOVE is not SAID, it will be SHOWN. Some people are like that. They do not know how to put their feeling in words. Some people are bold enough to tell the truth. Different people, different way of expressing their feelings. There are no formulas about this thing. It is between you and yourself. Huh. Complicated. Harder than Mathematical Studies. Ha ha.

Yang Mana Satu????

2009-03-28T07:08:00.000-07:00

Hmmmm...
Kadang - kadang dalam hidup ini,
Kita akan berada di persimpangan.
Dua pilihan.
Dua akibat yang berbeza.
Satu penyiksaan yang sama.
Satu kenangan yang sama.
Dan satu luka yang lama.

Yang mana jadi pilihan?
Diam?
Atau berkata - kata?
Yang benar?
Atau biarkan sahaja?

Bukan rasa yang ditakuti.
Bukan simpati yang dihajati.
Tapi kadangkala,
Pandangan itu yang menusuk hati.
Soalan itu yang meracuni.
Dan terluka lagi diri ini.

Persimpangan ini memang sukar.
Antara harapan,
Dan impian.
Antara keresahan,
Dan ketenangan.
Antara keberanian,
Dan ketakutan.

Sungguhpun empunya tampak bersedia,
Gagah perkasa,
Langkah laksana perwira,
Namun hakikatnya,
Tiada bezanya.
Masih ketakutan.
Masih dalam pengharapan.
Dan masih dalam persediaan.

Kebencian itu api yang tidak pernah padam.
Kemaafan itu air yang tidak pernah putus.
Dan luka itu,
Selamanya berada di situ.
Kalau benar sembuh sekalipun,
Parutnya jelas kelihatan.
Peringatan
Buat hamba yang lupa.
Penginsafan,
Buat diri yang terleka.
Dan harapan,
Tidak ada yang akan menderita.
Selamanya.

Grateful!

2009-03-12T20:11:00.000-07:00

Today is one of the most happiest day in my life. Well, let me just make it short.

1) My school, SMK Ghafar Baba ( Not MRSM TGB ) got an excellent result for SPM. We have 3 students with straight A's! Ha ha. I know it is not a big deal for most of you, but for us, 3 students with straight A's are like having half million dollar for the school. Ha ha. I am proud of my school and my teachers. Although we are just an outskirt small school, but we manage to produce 3 students with straight A's!

2) My younger brother, Amiruddin Amran got an excellent result too! He got 9 1A, 2 2A and 1 3B. Overall, 11 As and 1 B. EST is the killer subject. It is ok though. It happens every year. I don't care about a B in EST. As long as the other subjects are As. He want to be a doctor too. Ha ha. I am so happy!!!

Now, this is to my little brother, Amiruddin Amran.

Congratulation! I am so happy, more than a married person on his marriage ceremony. If you want to be a doctor, go and pursue that dream as hard as possible. Be a good doctor. Most important, be a better person than I am. Be a better doctor than i am. If i am destined to be an MO, you must be a specialist, one stage above than me. If i am a specialist, be someone better than a specialist. Believe in yourself, your capabilities and have faith in Allah. Work as hard as possible to overcome my achievements. Be someone greater than who am i. Aim for the highest ever dream and work for it. Never give up if you fails. Failures make us a better person in life. And don't afraid to take your stands in certain things. My existence as a brother only meaningful if my siblings are better than me. And you have prove that. You have prove to me that you are as good as I am. Even better. Go. Chase your dreams. Make it real. And i will always wish the best for you.

To my youngest brothers and sisters,

Afif, you are next on SPM. Work even harder than both of us. You must get a better result than both of us. You are the smartest among the three of us. Stay focus and don't let the history repeat itself. To fail once, does not mean you will fail in your life. You have prove it in PMR with 8As and all the awards. Keep it up. And again, be a better person than me. Achieve things that i fail to achieve when i was younger. Go and make SMK Ghafar Baba the best of the best (Although we might not be as equal as MOZAC, heck i don't care). And i will always pray for your success.

To Nawwarah and Maisarah, you guys have a long way to go. Work hard. Don't play too much (even i sometime play PS2 with them). Make our success as a perimeter. Both of you must work harder, as you guys are the only girls in the family. Surepass our achievements. Be a better person than the three of us. I will always pray for you guys.

Lastly, i wish the best for all of you. Remember, work hard and surepass my achievements. There is nothing in this world can make me happier than seing my siblings become a better person than i am. After all, a big brother sole duty is to ensure that his siblings are in a better condition than he is.

Ganbarimasyou!!

Waiting!!!

2009-03-09T21:45:00.000-07:00

No one like to wait!
It hurt and painful.
Hope for the best.
Prepare for the worst.

Might be a blessing.
Or sorrow.
Might be cured.
Or hurted again.

The uncertainty
Sometimes
Too much to hold.

I hate to wait.
Why can't just give me the answer?
Huh.

Growing up!!

2009-02-21T16:43:00.000-08:00

Sometimes,
Things are very complicated in life.
You wish you can talk about it.
Share it with someone else.
Or just want to forget it.
Forgive someone.
And hope for things to be normal again.

It had been 4 years.
Since I become a man.
Able to think.
And not depending on others.
And it took 4 years just to understand.
To accept the reality.
And the most important thing,
To forgive.
Today,
I grow up.
Today,
I lost everything that i used to have.
And on this same day,
I choose to forgive them.

Let them be the past.
A memoir.
A scar.
So that i will always remember.
Who I was.
Who am I.
and who i will be.

Today,
I
Let
You
Go
.

????

2009-02-15T08:21:00.000-08:00

Hmmm....
Hatiku dicuri orang.
Tetapi,
Hati pencuri hatiku dicuri oleh orang lain.
Jadi,
Hati siapa yang mahu kucuri?
Siapa ada jawapan????

Khas buat Ruwaida...

2009-02-11T06:34:00.000-08:00

Tergerak hati saya untuk berkata sesuatu.
Walaupun agak lewat.
Dan maafkan saya kerana kelewatan ini.
Mencari kata-kata sesuai untuk diungkapkan.
Entry ini khas untuk rakan sekelas EAP saya, Kumpulan 6, Ruwaida.

Takziah atas pemergian ibu anda.
Semoga rohnya ditempatkan di sisi orang-orang yang tinggi darjatnya di sisi Allah.
Saya tidak akan kata yang saya faham perasaan anda.
Kerana saya tidak pernah kehilangan seorang ibu.
Tetapi percayalah.
Hati saya turut bersedih atas kehilangan anda.
Dan saya doakan agar anda tabah menghadapi semua dugaan dan cabaran yang mendatang.
Tatkala ini,
Yakin dan berserahlah pada Allah.
Kerana,
Apabila Allah ambil sesuatu yang sangat kita sayang,
Yakin dan percayalah,
Bahawa Allah Maha Mengetahui apa yang terbaik untuk hambanya.

Ruwaida,
Semoga anda menjadi orang yang sabar menghadapi dugaan.
Dan jika perlukan sebarang bantuan,
Anda tahu di mana saya berada.
Kalau tidak pasti,
Tanya Hilal.
Dia mesti tahu di mana saya berada.
Tidak ada apa yang mampu saya katakan untuk meringankan beban di hati anda.
Tetapi kalau bebanan itu mahu anda kongsi,
Silakan.

Akhir kata,
Semoga anda dan keluarga sentiasa dalam lindungan Allah.
Dan semoga Allah sentiasa ada di sisi anda,
Di waktu senang,
Ataupun sukar.

Abdullah Muhaimin Bin Amran
J1 0807G68240
Group 6 EAP

M.a.R.r.I.A.gE

2009-02-06T06:37:00.000-08:00

I know i suppose to be happy when someone get married.
Or engaged.
But know what?
I don't.
When someone close to me marry someone else,
I think,
I am losing them.
To someone i didn't even knew.
Or meet.
Things are never will be the same again after this.
Never.
Ever.
I do know that relationship will expand.
And it will move to another steps.
There will be developement.
But truly,
It hurts me to lose someone i care so much.
Someone who i knew for so long.
Now gone.
Forever.

Gaza

2009-02-02T08:12:00.000-08:00

I just heard from the news.
Gaza is again under attack.
And Ehud Olmert said

" We will use any force necessary to make sure no more Hamas rockets reach southren Israel"

Huh...
i reach to a conclusion then.

1) No one can help people in Gaza better than educated people (i.e doctors, lawyers, etc. )

2) Politicians are people who only know how to talk. They didn't do anything at all.

3) Never trust country like America to fight against Israel. For your information, Jews are the one who will determine the next USA president as they are the one who control the economy.

4) The foundation of a nation is almost solely depends on the human source. Intellects will help to develope a country better than anything else.

5) For muslims, no one can help your brothers and sisters in Gaza better than you yourself.

Lastly, i would like to draw attention to all-doctors-to be. There are an NGO called as Mercy Malaysia. Most of you might knew about it. And i am pretty sure that it is the best way of a doctor can serve people globally as this organisation have access to most of the war zones.

Join them.

They need us.

Code Blue

2009-01-28T21:21:00.000-08:00

Outstanding.
Fantastic.
Those are two words to describe the drama that i am watching now.
Code Blue.
Better than House and ER.
Seriously.
For those who is interested to be A&E Specialist,
Go and watch it.
It is the real life of medical personnel at A&E Department.

Nevva Winter......

2009-01-26T21:03:00.000-08:00

Now i think that it is the most suitable time for me to explain the meaning of Nevva Winter. I was really suprised when most of my friend thought that Nevva Winter = Never Winter. Ha ha. It is wrong! Now i understand that people write never as 'nevva' in funky language, especially when messaging others. Ok. A little bit of confusion here and there.

Well, to start it, Nevva Winter is a girl. She is a character in a book by D.J Machale. I love to read this book since i am in form 1 ( if i am not mistaken ). It is a very long time when i was younger. The reasons i choose her as my nickname in Taylor is because we have a great similarities. Let me just list it down.

1) She is a very secretive person. No one actually know about her past ( including me as a reader ) and she always do something for reason. None of her actions are without concrete reasons. But the best part is, she never told anyone about the reasons of doing something, accept to this one person she served for, Saint Dane.

2) She was used to believe in justice and stuff like that. Not anymore. One event actually turn her upside down, hurted her so much that she decide to be on the evil side, although she should be on the good side. She had lost everything that she used to have, including her loved ones and since then she swore never to let humanity survived.

3) She is a very unpredictable girl. Her nature change frequently, and it is very deceptive. A person who just meet her will never though that she was a villain until it is too late. She is a master at disguise, cheating and you name whatever a villain should have. She have it all. Plus, she is a very charming young girl with the style of her own.

4) She is a very loyal person. Although her boss Saint Dane is cruel, she never betray him. She stick to him although sometimes Saint Dane asked her to do stupid things. And she believe and hold the same principle as Saint Dane's. Nothing more. Or less.

5) Her words are the best. When she is not disguising herself as others, she always talk in a manner that will give you a chill. Short yet compact sentences. Although sometimes she look so happy, deep inside, she is burning with vangeance. And her words reflect it all. She might be smiling, but at the same time threatening others with her words. ( i love it when she did this )

That is as far as i can write about Nevva Winter. But to be honest, i really do understand why she do all of those evil things. Seriously. That is why i choose her to be my icon. Because of the similarities ( except that she is a charming young girl and those evil deeds ). Ha ha. I know that most person love good guy in movies and dramas. Although i know that good guy always win, somehow Nevva Winter draw my attention the most, despite of all her evil deeds. Maybe it is true that what people say,

" It takes one to know one"

Such Existence.............

2009-01-18T05:42:00.000-08:00

Back to English Version.

While was writing this thing, i have a headache, my temperature rise, my body hurts a lot, and i am sleepy because i just spent my whole night guarding over something important. And the best part is i can't sleep last night, the whole night and it costs me a lot.

Let just get started.

It is good to be in a company who have the same nature as you. Seriously. I like to be accompanied by someone who have the same nature as me. We can talk a lot but at the same time understand each other perfectly. No mistakes. No misunderstanding.

Will i ever meet the same kind of person in the future? I hope so. And may Allah help me to find someone like that. I like the feeling of being protected. Being understood. Being helped and cared for. Ha ha. In life, i really need this kind of person. Such existence means a lot to me. A lot. And i really do appreciate it.

The first impression never make up one's self. I realised it recently. Funny right? Who thought that a thing that we saw bad for the first time, is actually might be the best thing that one's could ever have? And i am thankful and grateful as i realised it sooner, which is better than later. I might lose something that i have protected for so long, if it is not because of this realisation. Ha ha. Typical.

Lastly, i want to say how much i appreciate everything that i have. From a simple friendship to a complicated undefine relationship. And thank you Allah for these chances. Thank you for leading me to find someone i appreciate so much. I have lost such person once, and may this time it will last forever, and ever, and ever.And may everything that we have done together will strengthen our relationship, now and always........

Transformers

2009-01-10T08:20:00.000-08:00

Yang ini nukilan dalam bahasa ibunda. ( Bahasa ini hanya digunakan sekiranya sesuatu itu tersangat penting untuk penulis)

Transformers itu sangat menarik.
Robotnya boleh berubah dengan drastik.
Keluar tangan dan kaki.
Keluar kepala dan pistol yang berapi.
Namanya Bumblebee.

Tapi,
Walau sehebat mana pun perubahan mereka,
Mereka ada identiti.
Autobots dari sebuah Planet Cybertron
Lawannya Decepticon
Hebat.
Sungguh hebat.

Megatron pun hebat juga.
Ketua Decepticon.
Dia berubah dari jet yang pelik menjadi robot.
Pendek kata,
Semuanya berubah dari kenderaan ke robot.
Tapi siapa perasan,
Baik Optimus mahupun Megatron,
Masing-masing mengekalkan identiti mereka.
Percaya kepada kewujudan All Spark.
Percaya pada kepentingan All Spark.
Paling penting,
Bangga menjadi robot.
Terutamanya Megatron.
Bangga dengan identitinya sendiri.

Tapi pelik.
Manusia pun boleh jadi Transformers.
Hari ini rupanya macam ni.
Besok lain pulak.
Tak salah untuk berubah.
Tapi pastikan,
Ia ke arah yang betul.

Kalau Autobots,
Berubah dari kereta kepada robot untuk bertempur.
Bukan dari kereta,
Jadi besi buruk yang tak boleh bertempur.
Atau jadi kereta yang berkarat.
Sekali kena pukul dengan Megatron,
Terus hancur.

Itulah kita jadi manusia.
Perubahan haruslah ke arah yang lebih baik.
Jangan jadi terbalik.
Daripada rumah yang berbumbung,
Jadi pangkin yang tak bertutup.
Maka berpanas,
Dan berhujanlah pangkin itu.
Hingga reput akhirnya.

Tak salah untuk berubah.
Orang yang tak mahu berubah,
Ialah orang yang rugi.
Tapi,
Orang yang salah arah perubahannya,
Adalah orang yang paling rugi.
Buat apa korbankan diri?
Untuk sesuatu yang tidak kekal abadi.
Mana identiti?
Mana hati budi?
Tak kenal diri?
Lupa diri?
Ha ha.
Jawab sendiri.

Kesimpulannya, janganlah takut untuk berubah. Ubahlah apa yang patut. Tapi ingat, jangan salah arah perubahan itu. Jangan sampai hilang identiti diri. Jangan ikut orang lain. Pedulikan mereka. Kamu adalah kamu.

Vladimir Vadim Kryuchkov ( Nama ini masa penulis muda-muda)
Nukilan buat renungan,
Edisi Transformers,
Cetakan Pertama,
2009.

Conclusion

2009-01-04T06:49:00.000-08:00

My MA ia a very priceless experience. It is something that you can't buy with money. I am lucky to get a very good staffs and doctors. And thank you Allah for all the thing. Here are a few things that can be concluded all along my 7 days at hospital.

1. Eat

I know it sounds fool. But it is the fact. Seriously. Doctors doesn't work like office hours, where you have break and stuff like that. Nope. Most of the doctors, either HO or MO i meet along this journey eat at pantry ( place where they prepare food for patient actually ). Rarely they went to canteen, especially those who work at A&E and ICU. Even at paeds, the doctors eat in pantry. No fix time for lunch, dinner, or even breakfast for doctors.

2. Love

Hmm.... This one is a little bit tough. According to Dr. Lim ( ICU ) , doctors are people who doesn't have love life. Let me quote his words directly,

" While your friends in other fields enjoy dating with their partners, doctors will need to works extra hours in hospital. No dating and stuff like that. Very hectic life,"

Ha ha. It is true. I have seen it. And it is the reality in hospital. It is getting harder if you start to have a family. Worse when you have child. Seriously. The profession is very demanding. Most of your day is spent at the hospital.

Next, i had draw a conclusion that the best lifepartner a doctor can have is another doctor. Ha ha. I know it sound stupid, but the nature of the job of a doctor need someone who really understand it to be a good lifepartner. Or at least a Staff Nurse. Or a Pharmacist. Not trainee nurse. They doesn't know anything yet. Especially if you work at A&E. it is the most hectic ward in a hospital. Or OT. The most critical ward in a hospital. Doctors need to spent a lot of their time in both wards. Not to forget, ICU and CCU.

Well, before this, i always thought that hospital was full of old people who will yell at you if you screw up something. The reality is that actually hospital nowadays full with new and young doctors and nurses. I realise it when i go to Malacca GH and it is full with batallion of trainee nurses and HO. Ha ha. Well, now you have a lot of choice to make.

It is really important here to stress out that it is not a necessity for a doctor to marry another doctor or nurse. It is just adviseable for doctors - to - be to do so. If you get someone who really understand your job, then go for it. Nothing is wrong with that.

3. Death

Death is the thing that a doctor must have to face in his / her career. It is unavoidable. Seriously, it is hard when we lost a patient. But the hardest part is actually to confront the patient's family member. To explain to them. Some of them might not be able to accept it. And just a little bit of mistakes in your explaination, or some misunderstanding occur, you can be charged in court. Yup. Charged.

Next, death is not an easy event that one can see and continue life just like that. It is hard. Even for doctors. I actually almost broke down when one of the patient at Medical ward is dead in front of me. I pity his family. His sons. They came to their father, kiss his forehead and cry. It is hard to explain it in words. You have to see it to feel it. Seriously. And one should have a very strong will and a big heart to endure it. It is not that simple. Even I see Dr. Syarifah's face changes on the moment she declared the patient is dead.

4. HO

Most of the doctors i meet agree that HO is the worst part of a doctor's life. It is very hectic, you got scolded by MO and work tirelessly, up to 36 hours. One HO doctor that i meet in OT have work nearly 36 hours, assisting surgeons in multiple surgeries. I can see that she is so tired, that she have some sort of dark line around her eyes. And Dr. Shantini ( PAEDS ) have work for 36 hours when i first met her. And she doesn't care if Dr. Amelia ( PAEDS) scold her. She is just too tired to talk. Dr. Azhar (PAEDS) once said to me,

" Kerja doktor ni kena tahan makian. Kena banyak sabar. Kalau anda boleh buat demikian, maka tak ada masalah untuk jadi seorang doktor."

5. Government.

Well, this one is more to myself. Through my MA at Malacca GH, i saw a lot of thing. I have seen birth. I have seen death. I have seen people screaming of pain. I have seen doctors struggling to do CPR to save a patient's life. But the thing that i see the most is actually the patient's eyes. Their look of hope. Worry. Uncertainties. Panic. And much more. I have talk to some of them, help some of them, and even talk to their relatives and family members.

Therefore, before i leave Malacca GH on 2 Jan 2009, as I step out from the hospital entrance, I said to myself loudly, that even my ear can hear it ( I know this sounds weird, but this is what I did)

" I will be back here. As a doctor. Not as an attachment students anymore. I don't care how much government is going to pay me on my HO ( which is actually around RM 1,800), i will return and served my time here, as long as i could,"

This is a promise that i made to myself. I know that some of us complained about the government's treatment towards the doctors in Malaysia. I know it is true. Malaysia didn't pays their doctor enough compared to private and overseas standard. I admit it. But somewhere deep in myself, i know that i can serve people better in government's hospitals. Much to do to help people. I know it might sound awkward, but this is my goal. I will work in government's hospial as long as I could.

Actually, there is one case in A&E. An old lady is admitted to Malacca GH from Mahkota Hospital ( a private hospital ). All of us is clueless at first, why this lady is sent here. Then, her daughter came, nearly cried and told us the whole story. Her mom bought a health insurance policy. She buy it a few years ago, and she was diagnosed with renal failures and hypertension. One day, her condition worsen and she was admitted to Mahkota. The family thought that the insurance can support the cost. After the insurance company investigate, the old lady didn't have the right to claim the insurance, as she bought it when she already have the disease.

So, her daughter keep asking Dr. Rokiah,

" How much the bill will be? We can't afford to do it at Mahkota. It costs thousands and we didn't have that much. How much will it be?........."

And Dr. Rokiah said,

" Don't worry ma'am. We will treat your mom the best we could. We didn't charge too much here. Don't care about the cost. We will save her. After all, it is her condition that count the most,"

The woman look so relieved. She thanked the doctor hundred of times.

It is the look. Her relieve face give me unspeakable satisfaction. More than anything else. That's why i make this promise. To come back and serve as a government servant as long as I could.

6. Human.

Lastly, there is a phrase that i woul like to share with readers. Dr. Amelia told me on the first day of my MA at Paeds. I will keep it inside my head forever.

" We are not God. But we can save and treat people."

This will be my principle, through many years to come. And may Allah help me along the way, to achieve my dream, and back to serve my people.

May Allah be by myside,

-Amin.-

Short

2009-01-03T16:29:00.000-08:00

Let me summarize my MA. It is too much to write the whole thing.

23 Dec....

Here are the list of operations that i have seen.

3 Caesers ( 3 babies were born, and I am unofficially is their Godfather. Ha ha. 2 girls and 1 boy! )

2 ERPOC ( This surgery was done to take out any placenta that is left when the mom is giving a birth or undergone abortion)

1 Throat surgery

1 amputation of leg ( diabetis and it is really gruesome to watch the surgeon cut the man's leg)

1 vaginal correction ( patient suffer from discomfort at her vagina, and operation is done to correct it.

1 orthopedic surgery ( poking out some metal at a woman's femur)

I didn't go out for lunch because it is hard to change the sterile cloth. As i want to perform my prayer, i noticed that there is some blood stain at my pants. Ha ha. Must be from one of the patient. Have to change so that i can perform my solat. Back at home at 6 p.m and barely alive.

24 Dec.....

Went to ICU. What a ward. Every patient here is intubated and barely alive. The staff nurse then show me around, teach me about the machines and how to use it, read a few Chest X Ray ( CXR ) . She teach me how to read Sp02, ECG, BP, Heart Rate and respiration ratei watch an intubation procedure, as one of the patient started to fail to breathe alone. They intubate him carefully, unlike one you watch in ER. Here are a few cases that i can remember.

1. Maniappan

MVA (motor Vehicle Accident) with frontal contusion and dislocated lens of his eye. Just undergone optical surgery and placed in ICU. GCS is ok and started to talk.

2. Unknown male

Try to kill himself by eating pesticides ( mosquito coil in this case ) and cut his wrist. Started to struggle every time he woke. He was sedated and put in isolation unit. Have history of fail relationship and so frustrated.

Then i went to CCU ( Cardiac Care Unit) and hang around with the staff nurse there. She teach me about type of medicines and drugs available in CCU and A few standard procedure, especially if a doctor is exposed to contaminated needle. She showed me the book to record the patients in the ward, and one of them was wrote in red inks ( it means that he was dead ). Have artery coronary problems with chronic renal failure.

One thing about ICU and CCU is that the alarm of the machines keep buzzing. And they have army of trained doctors and nurses. No HO. So i hang out with MO and Specialist, with the nurses. I then talked to Dr. Lim, an anaesthetic specialist about the life as doctor. Also talked to Miss Iris Teo, a charming pharmacist. I can't believe how young she is. Ha ha. We get along quickly and she explained some of thing in ICU. I like to hang around with her.

30 & 31 Dec...

Went to A&E ( Accident and Emergency ) or ER. This is the most hectic ward i have ever seen. Started my morning by joining their morning prayer. Present a few cases , especially renal failure with hypertension and MI ( myocardium infection). Lot of new things are stuffed inside my head. then follow Dr. Khoot, and she teach me a lot of things, started from diabetic to hypoglacaemia. Then, Dr. Rashdan , the specialist called me to examine ECG, with diagnosis of MI patient. He teach me how to differentiate gunshot wounds than piercing wounds, and the way to treat it. A few lessons on how to read ECG, interprete heartrate speed, BP and common questions to be asked so that we can narrow down our diagnosis. Dr. Khoot teach me about streptokinase, a medicine used to treat sudden heart attack. This medicine is good, but with side effects.

I was suprised when i came here. I have been told by some of my friends that A&E is a relax and peaceful ward. Some of my friends even can sit the whole day and joking around with the nurses in A&E. Not here. Not in Malacca. Accidents started as early as 10 a.m in the morning. Ha ha. On 31 Dec, our ward doesn't have enough bed for red zone or rhesus zone ( critical emergencies) That day, we have to pull extra bed and put it at the centre of the room ( which supposed to be the walking area) to put a patient. I become the man who help o push the wheelchair and transfer patient from bed to bed.

Here are some question that was asked to me when i was there.

" Nak, kalau ada apa - apa jadi kat isteri saya, tolong panggil saya kat luar. Nama saya Kumar. Tolong beritahu saya kalau ada apa - apa,"

i don't know what to do, so i just nod my head.

" Bila bapak saya boleh dipindahkan ke wad?"

Ouch. I don't mind if someone asked me for the direction to toilet. I can show them right away. But this sort of question is killing me. So, i just replied,

" Kami cuba stabilkan bapa pak cik di sini. Dia tak stabil untuk dipindahkan sekarang. Sampai kami benar - benar pasti dia dah stabil, baru kami akan pindahkan dia ke wad,"

Ouch. Just answer it. No thinking skill is used. More of reflex. His father has sudden heart attack, and collapsed at home. Poor guy.

And i have the chances to went for ambulance ride. What a ride. The ambulance move at more than 100 km/h along the ride. It usually take 30 - 40 minutes to reach Klebang from the hospital, as it is peak hour and roads are congested with vehicles. But we made it in 10 minutes. Ha ha. Crazy. We bypass all the red light, and i manage to sit beside the driver. So when he controlled the siren, i controll the honk. There are specific siren used at traffic light, along the roads and when we approaching the hospital. I just learned it. The honk i controlled is used to warn driver who doesn't want to make their way for the ambulance and at traffic light. I was so curious that i honk every cars that blocked our way. Ha ha. A mom want to give birth to her child. Thanj God she didn't deliver it in the ambulance. A chinese woman. Heck, the ambulance also went to the opposite site of the road along the way. I prayed,

" Oh Allah, please don't let me die in this ambulance. We were going to save a mom, and it will look tragic if we die in ambulance. We supposed to save people but instead, we are the one who are dead, in ambulance,"

Ha ha. I thought it was one of the craziest think. Can you imagine, riding opposite the traffic, in a town where cars are infinites in numbers. Thank God nothing happened.

2 Jan.....

Medical Ward

Last day of MA. accompanied by Dr. Syarifah. Started the morning tour around the ward. Patient after patient. Beds after beds. Suddenly, a nurse come.

" Pesakit kat Bed 7 dah stop breathing"

Shite. We ran to Bed 7. Guess what? It is the first patient that i visited this morning. Oh Allah. An old man, firstly come to hospital to ENT for ear infection. Then he get worsen, intubated and sedated. Have tachy early this morning but doctors were able to stabilise him. Doctors started to commit CPR.

"Shock him, " said Dr. Syarifah.

The nurses then started to set up the equipments, and try to shock him. It didn't work. The nurses then change the defibrillator machine.

" Please stroll this machine outside the room," the nurse asked me.

So i quickly strolled it and on the way, i met the patient's son, looking worrily into the the room. I just came out from the room, and i quickly stroll the machine at one side and get back in. I can't stand the eyes of his son. The glare. The worry glare. The sadness. No. So i get back in the ward along with the doctors to revive the patient with CPR.

" Set it at 300 and shock him," said Dr. Syarifah.

One of the HO set it up.

" Everybody Clear!"

Zapp. The shock. The patient's body lift up.

The doctors then continue the CPR. Prepare the second shock then at 350. Zapp. Still, no changes in ECG reading. Continue the CPR. Prepare the third shock. One of the nurse having problem to pour the jelly that is used at the defibrillator machine. So, i took it, smash the bottle in the air and the jelly started to pour out when it is squeezed. Like Chilli sauce, you need to smash it in the air first before squeezing it.

Third shock. No changes. Continue the CPR for half and hour. No changes.

" Stop it. Let's pronounced the time of death. Call the sons. Let them see their father."

Oh. Nothing can be done to save the man. He was alive in the morning when i visited him for the first time, now he is dead.My first death. The doctor then get to his son, explaining what is happening. I can't stand when the eldest son bend to his father and kiss his forehead while crying. He talked a few thing to his father dead body. It is a very sad day.

Dr. Syarifah then continue the morning walk as usual. Like nothing happen. I follow her. She asked me frequently about certain things like thalaessemia, and when the HO can't give the correct diagnosis, She will turn and asked me,

" What is your diagnosis?"

Ha ha. I just answer whatever that i knew. And she teach me a lot of new things. Honestly, sometimes half of the thing she said, i didn't understand. Ha ha. But like Dr. Wong at paeds say,

" Keep all the interesting thing you found here and use it when you study later,"

Ha ha. My head is overloaded. She explained to me every single patient's diagnosis in the wards. There are about 20 beds and i have 20 diagnosis in my head.

It was a good experience. I will wrote the conclusion on the next entry.

Stop!!

2009-01-01T01:14:00.001-08:00

I have to stop blogging about my MA.
Something cross up and i have to stop writing about it.
Sorry!

Anaesthetic

2008-12-24T18:55:00.001-08:00

23 Dec................

Well, here I am starting my day at 5.50 am, with quick breakfast ( this time at home) and on the way to Malacca GH. The traffic is quite okay, only with a few congested road along the way. I arrived at the hospital about 7.30 am, and running to the canteen to grab some breakfast ( always eat whenever you can ). Next, I went to met the head of department, as usual. She was an Indian, a Datin Rasa. She asked me a few things, including my student card and confirmation letter. She quickly explained to me that anaesthetic department is classified into two department, OT ( Operation Theatre ) and ICU ( Intensive Care Unit) So, she suggested me to go to both of the departments to see how life is going on as a doctor. I choose to go for OT first today, as I think it is most probably the best ward to go.

Datin Rasa ordered an Indian nurse to take me there. Along the way, she explained a few things about OT. OT is a very sterile unit, where everyone must wear a special sterile clothes, along with some weird shower cap, a face mask and a sterile slipper. She also warned me about the strict OT Manager, a chinese guy who will kick anyone out of the OT if you break any rules. So she said, if i am really interested to learn, make sure that none of the official rules are broken. So she showed me the way to exchange room.

As i enter the room, i really don't know what to do. I just stared at a few men who were changing to the sterile clothes. Fortunately, there is one Indian doctor there. A very tall guy, and i really don't rember his name. He show me where to get my sterile clothes, and show me the right head cover to wear. There are specific coding for head cover in this ward, so that it is easy for the staff to differentiate between one another. Here are the colours:

Pink - For specialist on duty.

Green - For MO and surgeon

Blue - Nurses

Plain white : PPK ( Pembantu Pegawai Kesihatan)

White with dots : Student like me!

So, the doc wait for me to finish. He then gave me one face mask, and show me the way for the sterile slippers. He reminded me not to take the slippers which are left in the changing room, because they are not sterile. The slippers for toilet is green, and only specific for toilets. Not allowed beyond the toilet limits. The MO and Specialist will wear either white boots or sandals. It make them easier to be identified in this ward. One thing about this ward, it is air cond from the changing room to the operation theatre. No place is left without air cond. The surau itself is with air cond. Ha ha. Really cold. Some of the nurses actually wear socks, since it is freezing in there.

I then registered myself at the front counter, meet the Sister in charge and she brought me to Uncle Borhan, a person who in charge with the anaesthetic equipments and supplies. He asked me a few things, and repeat the rules in the ward. Then, he bring me to OT6, to start my day here. Let me list the operations that I have been through.

Firstly, i really thought that OT is somewhat the glass room that you always see in House Series, where there is a big theatre with glass pane and you just watch the doctor doing the operation from up there. But it is different in Malacca GH. Here, OT means that student will go inside the operation room with the surgeons, and watch every single procedure at a close distance as you want, as long as you are not messing up with sterile equipment. I was really suprised when the uncle brought me into the OT6. There are 2 surgeons, an anaesthesia specialist ( Dr. Teh) a patient and nurses. So he introduce me to Dr. Teh. So, i took my place at one corner and start to view the procedures. Guess what is the operation???. CEASER!!!!!!!!!

1. CEASER (8 a.m)

Ha ha. I was so lucky this day. My first operation is Ceaser!! A baby is going to be born! Firstly, the patient is stripped off from her gown ( not nude, but her back is revealed) . Then, Dr. Teh started to washed her back with alcohol. Then, she tried to find one of the vein, and tried to inject the anaesthetic liquid into the spinal. At first, I thought it was an LP ( Lumbar Puncture ) procedure, but when i asked Staff Nurse Marziah, she said that the patient is pregnant and will undergo ceaser operation. Only Allah know how happy am i. After all, I only watch it in videos at college. Never had this good experience myself. Then, after the anaesthetic thingy is injected, patient is allowed to rest flatly. This procedure is known as the spinal anaesthetic, and the mother is half concious.

The mother still can talk to the doctors. Dr. Teh then leave the room, assigning Doc. Lalina (MO , she is the MO for anaesthetic department) to take care of the patient for the rest of the operation. I didn't follow her, and wait for the operation. The mother's gown is then removed. One of the surgeon then washed the mother's vagina, thighs, and areas under belly buttons with some purplish liquid. Then, layers of sterile clothes are placed to covers the mother's body, only revealing the area under the belly buttons, a little bit high from pubic region. If you ever watch you mother's belly, this is exactly the area which a mom will has scars if she ever undergone Ceaser.

From the earlier observation, it is clearly seen that this patient never undergone a ceaser. Her belly is free from scars. I stand perpendicular from the surgeons, so that i can clearly see the procedure. First incision is made with a scalpel. It is not so long, about 10 - 15 cm. Blood start to oozing, as the incision is made. I noticed that actually, at the end of the incision is the area in which the blood is the most. So, the surgeon ask a nurse for a scissor like equipment known as the artery clipper ( if i am not mistaken). She clipped the place and blood stop from oozing. Then, She made the second incision, and this time where you can see that the flesh is revealed. You can actually hear the sound of the scissor cutting through the flesh. It is slightly louder then when you cut paper, and sound like it is really opaque, solid structure. If you ever helped you mom at the kitchen, the best way to describe it is the sound is just like when you cut ' sotong kembang'.

One of the nurse then teach me about the difference between the artery blood and vein blood. The blood from vein will spray in a horizontal way, compared to the aretry blood which will spray vertically upward. The surgeons are so careful, so that they will not hit one of the artery. Let me tell you one thing, at school, we learn that the blood from vein has a lower pressure than the artery. But seeing the reality, actually even if you hit one of the major vein, the blood will start to oozing in mass amount, and in this case, a sucker is used because the blood is so much that it blocked the surgeon's sight. Thank Allah, only vein is hit when incisions are made.

As the incision hit the flesh, the blood start to oozing again. The surgeon held her forceps, and her assistant, a HO take an equipment that look like a welding equipment that you use in your 'Kemahiran Hidup' project. The HO than put the tip of the equipment at the forcep, and push a button. An electric jolt can be seen from the tip of the equipment, and pass down through the forcep. You can hear a loud SSSHHHH.... sound and see the smoke raising up from the mother's belly. I later asked the Staff Nurse Haliza about that instrument. She told me that this thing actually burn one's cells to stop bleeding, and also used to make incision without a scalpel. You also can actually smell like a flesh is burn everytime the thing zapping fleshes. Gruesome, right?

Then, the surgeon inserted one metal thingy that hold the lower part of the mothers belly. I don't know what is the name but clearly that metal is used to hold the incision from closing. The surgeon then used two clippers to held the mother's upper part of the belly, and now you have an open hole at the mother's tummy. She then zapping the part of the belly called omentum, ( i believe, thanks to Oprah and Dr. Oz) using the wielding thingy. At this part, the thing cut through this layer as it was a piece of paper. There are some part in this procedure where both of the doctors use their bare hand to rip some part of the mother's tummy. I don't know which part, but they do it about twice along the procedure. Imagine the mother's tummy is like a raw meat, and you pull it with both of your hand, with other friend at the other site and trying to make an opening. After a lot of works, finally, the surgeons reach the mom's uterus.

Next, the docs made a small incisions so that the amniotic fluid started to oozing, with a lot of blood along the way. The nurses have to use a suction to suck all the blood. Then, the cut become bigger, and one of the surgeon insert her hand into the mother uterus. Seriously. Deep into the mother uterus. I later asked SN Haliza. She explained to me that it is done to prevent the baby from getting away into the unwanted area, below the uterus. A hand is inserted so that the baby can glide her way ( the baby is a girl) to the hand of the surgeon and get out from the womb. One of the surgeon than push the upper part of the mom's belly and the baby head's slide out. A forcep ( this is a bigger one, used to clamp the baby's head ) is then used to pull the baby out from the womb. Ha ha!! Finally she came out!

The baby then quickly brought to a special container and one of the nurses start to suck the amniotic fluid inside her nose and mouth. After than, she started to cry. It is a wonderful situation. The job isn't over yet. SN Marziah then rush out from the room, carrying the baby to clen her and take a few blood sample. The surgeon also work quickly to get the placenta out. Wow. It is big. And look like our lungs. They called it as " Flower " in this hospital. Since the mom is a malay, SN Marziah pack the placenta into a special bag. The surgeons then started to stitches the mom belly right away. She had lost a great deal of blood. Nothing can be left unstitched. The nedles used is really big. Really BIG. It is hooked, and it pierced through the mom's belly layer by layer, stitching the mom's belly back.

Along the way, SN Marziah came back and bring the cute little baby. She then showed her to her mom, and revealing the baby's vagina so that the mom will now the gender. The mom is so happy, although she is in a weak condition. It was a beautiful moment. So the surgeons continue their work, stitching layer by layer until the wound was closed.

After that, one of the surgeon came to me and turn around saying ' Please help me". I was clueless at first, what the heck is she talking about. Then, I saw one of the nurse untied the surgical clothes of one of the surgeon. I got it and quickly help her in the process. After that, one of the PPK went into OT6 with a bed . Then, he shouted " Position! Position!" and all the nurses started to take their position around the m0m. Then, one of them count to three and together, they lifted the mom to the bed. Then, the PPK pushed it out from OT6 and take her out from the wing.

I then get out from the room, make my way to OT1 where there are orthopedic surgery is going on.

To be continued.......

ThE PaEdiAtrIc UniT..

2008-12-24T01:33:00.000-08:00

Here is the lists of amazing person that i meet at the paediatric unit. I am really sad to leave this unit, as it is so much fun and i learn tonnes of new things. Well, some of these names doesn't appear in the previous entry. It will be too long to tell everything that actually happened to me. But still, i remember these names as they help me to understand the responsibility of a doctor in Paediatric Unit.

The Director of Paediatric Unit
Datuk Dr. Ng

The Paediatricians
Dr. Zainah
Dr. Amelia

The Medical Officers
Dr. Wong Poh Fei
Dr. Joyce

The Housemanship Officers
Dr. Azahar Dzahari
Dr. Zatil Amali
Dr. Ahmad Bakhtiar
Dr. Shantini
Dr. Nurhidayah
Dr. Navin Kumar
Dr. Chin Soo Ching
Dr. Nurshuhada
Dr. Norshahrizal

Staff Nurse
Sister Norijah

Medical Assistant
Zaid

I actually manage to remember some of the patient's name, so I will list it down as sign of appreciation to them as they also thought me a lot of new things.

1. Alif - Osteogenesis
2. Muhd Haykal - Fever, with spiking temperature irregularly, came with tonsillongitis
3. Muhammad Fathihullah - Renal problems
4. Putra Danish - 9 months with high fever.

And those whose names are not mentioned above.

I will surely miss this unit. Thank you for your kindness and i hope for the best to all patients. Get well soon! I will drop by if i have emple time. Thanks a lot to all the staff and Doctors in Paediatric units!

Tomorrow, i will proceed to Anaesthetic department. I am not sure if it will be as fun as this unit.
Let the adventure begin!

Continue

2008-12-23T05:35:00.000-08:00

22 Dec...........

Today is my last day in paeds. Woke up at 5.40 am and never sleep back. Ha ha. I got dressed up and head for the hospital by 6.30, with simple breakfast at home ( which will not last by 10 am) . Got to the hospital earlier today, Thank you Allah for the clear traffic along the way. I quickly head to the cafeteria to have a proper breakfast. If there is one thing that i had learn in hospital is to always eat when you have the time. No one knows when we are going to eat again. Like war movies right? Ha ha.

Started my day as usual for the first morning round. I noticed that Doc. Shahrizal is not in the ward therfore, i follow Doc Azahar. He was attended a kid with respiratory problem. Suddenly, he tossed his stethescope to me. " Try to diffrentiate the creps sound and the normal lungs." I took it and listened to the patient's chest. Ha ha. I like it very much. There is a clear weird sound (creps) each time the patients inhale. I turned back for the healthy lung ( other kid, appopinted by Doc Azhar). Clear. No weird sound. Very interesting.

Next, i go to Doc Chin and follow her around. First patient is diagnosed with Denggue Haemorrhea. She asked me to take the lab results from the front counter. I took it and she teach me how to write a medical report based on the lab reports. Very interesting. Doc Chin is about my height, soft face and a good HO doc. Her diagnose is always accurate, so that when MO and paeds come, they only add a little bit on the report. Some HO docs was scolded because they prepared a report which need too much additions and corrections. But not Doc Chin. She also teach me a lot of thing, from tonsillongitis to pharynxlongitis ( i think this is the way to spell it) She rarely do mistakes and scolded by MO and paeds. She also have a very similiar way of attending a patient like Doc Wong. Soft and convincing. I like to hang around with her.

Suddenly, i heard a shout. Quickly ran to the front counter to see Doc Amelia is shouting to Doc Zatil Amali and Doc Ahmad Bakhtiar. Poor docs. It appear that Doc Shahrizal and Doc Nurhidayah was taking Emergency Leave without informing her first. She is really pissed off. I quickly turn around and hang around with Doc Wan Mahafeez, from Manipal College. Only after i am pretty sure that Doc Amelia is colled down, I follow her for the morning round. So do the other HO. ( Note to self: stay away from angry paeds) Ha ha.

So we go again for the third round in the morning. I found a few interesting cases:

1. Osteogenesis

This disease is diagnosed to one of the kiddo in the ward. It is a rare genetic disease and i am really lucky to have the chance of looking at it. The bone of the patient fractured easily like osteoprosis. The difference is that this disease is inherited, and the family have no idea about it. Poor lad. Suddenly, Doc Wong called me, " try to look at the mother's eye." I took a look and notice it quickly. The white part of her eye is BLUE! Real blue. Weird. Than Doc Wong explain to me that it was the most obvious sign of osteogenesis patient. Doc Amelia then told us more about the disease. A lot of new information!

2. Vagina examination.

This is quite new to me. I mean that this is the first time the procedure is done in font of me. A girl is diagnosed with a high fever and pain when urinated. I took a look at her chart and notice that the temperature is spiking in unstable manner. Her fever is on and off. Poor kid. She look so weak, and barely opened her eyes. Suddenly, Doc Azahar pull the curtain around us, A nurse came and hand pair of glove to Doc Wong and a torchlight. She then pull the girl's pant and started to perform the vagina examination. Her vagina was red and swollen. The doc than check the inner part of the vagina. before this, i only read and saw the picture in the book. Now i think i really know how the vagina look like. Very interesting. The kid is then transferred to the acute ward, as she need to be kept under constant care.

3. Tachycardia.

We move to the acute ward. There is one small baby at the middle of the room. He was attached to a machine that keep buzzing off with red lamp constantly lit. I asked Doc Chin about it. She said that the baby was having a tachycardia, a condition where the heart beat too fast. The baby is so small, not even a year and have a tachycardia. Poor baby.

4. 'Sunat'

This case is quite weird. A boy is warded because of excessive bleeding after 'Sunat'. The Doc want to discharge him that evening. When we arrived, a nurse is asked to take his blood pressure. Weirdly, his blood pressure is spiking at 180/80 mmhg. It is very high for a kid! Doc Amelia then asked Doc Shantini to take his blood pressure again. Still the same. At first we thought that something is wrong with the machine. So we done it manually. Doc Amelia herself do it and still get the same thing. The final diagnose is that something in his body make the blood pressure high, not the 'sunat' thing. Therefore, he was warded again for quite sometime.

After finishing the round, i follow Doc Shantini and the rest of them to take some blood sample. Since we are short of staff, there are only few of us in one treatment room. A baby came in and struggling to let himself free of us. " Please take Branula 24," asked Doc Zatil. She was talking to me. What the heck is that???. "The needle," she said. "The one at the top," Ha ha. I was so confused that i nearly took Branula 20. Lot of needles. " Please give me the glove," she said. I am the man nurse of that day. I help to hold a baby for blood sampling. He was sruggling so hard to get free. Plus with the cry. Add it with the docs can't find the veins. Good day. After that, I was going to the front counter when Doc Azahar ran into me. " You, come here and help me." I don't ask so much and followed him to a treatment room. He scrub in and wore a specially sterelized gloves. He took out a set of equipments and start to set it up. " You are not sterile, so don't touch anything that is wrapped in the green sterilized linen. So i wait for next instructions. He told me to get to the nearby table where there are two bottles of liquid. One is purple in color and one is iodine. " Pour both of the liquid in the differnt container here," he said. " But make sure you pour it on a distance, without touching any sterilized material," he added. So i pour yhem and asked about the purposes of the equipments. It looks like the Docs want to culture samples from the girl whose vagina is swollen. Interesting.

Today's round with blood sampling end at 1.30pm. Could you imagine that? And i didn't seat except when Doc Amelia is pissed off. My feet hurt and my back is killing me. I then quickly take my lunch and perform my Zuhur prayer. Ha ha. My feet nearly cramp during my solat. It hurts a lot. When i returned to the ward, the docs were preparing for evening round. Again. I followed them. This time, there were another paeds, Dr Zainah. She was older than Doc Amelia and have a really motherly look. So we started our evening round. patient to patient. Ward to ward.

Suddenly, Doc Amelia called me. " Follow me and i will teach you how to read Echo Cardio Graph. I asked her, " Is this is what we call ECG?" Doc Shantini pulled my ear and said " No! That is Electro Cardio Gram! Two different things! Follow her and have a look. Ha ha. This doc is very funny. She is a walking textbook. Whenever Doc Amelia asks about a disease, her answers are always good and accurate.

So i went to the front counter. " You are a man, so please help me to stroll the machine." Let me tell you something. The machine is really a heavy one. I don't know how much it weight, but if you push it alone, you need more than 10 minutes to travel less than 50 meter. And the most interesting is that the tools worth RM 400, 000, with two anodes each worthy of RM 80, 000. Calculate it and you will stroll a machine worth of approximately RM 560, 000. What a machine. And Doc Amelia said," Imagine you were strolling a Mercedes, so don't scrath it, or bump it with the wall." We went to isolation room first, where a boy is diagnosed with heart efusion.

Doc Navin came into the room with a bottle of gel. The procedure is about the same as ultrasound. Put the jelly on the anode and start to roll in on the patient chest. Once the Doc located the heart position, Doc Amelia turned to me and explain the picture of the heart. You can actually see the position of the valves, including tricuspid and bicuspid and they are moving! You can se clearly when the valve open and close. Very interesting. Next, she stunned the picture at the apex of the heart. "We were looking for the layer of water near the heart, called efusion. See here?" She appointed to the scren. You actually can see it as illuminous layer outside the surface of the heart. Doc Amelia then push a few buttons to actually measure the thickness of the efusion layer. Thank Allah, the effusion of the boy had been reduced compared to when he was first warded. Next, we stroll the machine to the second isolation room, to a girl with the same disease. And she also show much improvement, as no more efusion layer is formed at her heart.

What a day. I have a lot of fun and learn tonnes of new things. I was home at 6pm. Tired and barely alive. Ha ha. Good Day!!

Paeds

2008-12-22T05:12:00.000-08:00

I don't know why i wrote this entry. For some sort of reason, i guess. Maybe it is a way for me to show appreciation. I don't know. But something inside me keep urging me to write it. Maybe to share it with the readers. I don't know. Really clueless. But one thing for sure, i really appreciate these experiences, more than anything else.

19 Dec.....

I woke up at 5.5o am. Early right? Today is my first MA day. Unfortunately, i slept back untill 6.15 am. Ha ha. Couldn't help it. The malacca hospital is situated approximately one hour from my hometown. You can consider it quite far. So by 7 am i get in the car and went there. Just had the breakfast in the car. Once I reached there,about 8 am, my father and i went to the admin office. The best thing is that the officer in charge of the MA students are on holiday. Good start right? Fortunately, there were a few clerks which know about the MA thingy. Therefore, my father left and I was given the nametag, and a copy of official letter for my MA. An uncle brought me to the paeds clinic, where we were told to see the paeds director, Datuk Dr. Ng. She was entitled with "Datuk". Interesting.

When we were at her office, she was not there. Another interesting event. So we went back to paeds clinic. So i wait about 10 to 15 minutes, as the nurse in charge called the Medical Assistant to bring me to the next destination. Medical Assistant Zaid. A nice big guy. He lead me to Ward 1 - 4 which was the paeds ward. Next, i was left with the clerk there. I wait for the doctor in charge to came. Doctor Amelia. A single doctor. Quite young.Once she arrived,the clerk told her about me. She quickly went to her office to settled down. Then she quickly drag me to a staff restroom. She asked me a few questions which i think right now are very good questions.

1. Why do you want to become a doctor? (Expected)

2. Why do you choose paeds? (quite unexpected)

3. Why you choosed to stay in paeds for two days while medical ward only one day? (really unexpected)

Plus, she asked me in English. A very good English. No Manglish accent. Ha ha. You know i am not a very good English speaker. Doc Amelia is a very soft spoken person, although i am pretty sure she is single, she really is a good paeds.

Then, she said to me choosing doctor as a carrier is like marrying someone. I really got the meaning. Next, she brought me to a group of HO doctors. She assigned me to someone from my hometown. Doctor Noorshahrizal. A chubby doc. Playful. So i started my day at hospital. For the first round around the ward, i was following Doc Rizal diagnosing the patient. so do the other HO docs. From 8 untill about 9.30, HO docs will produce their own diagnosis. Now, i had almost finish the morning round when suddenly a MO came by. She was Doctor Wong. A beautiful Chinese lady. Then we started back the morning round from the first bed again. Here, i can see the differences between the diagnosis of an MO and HO docs. MO docs were more precise and careful in every actions they took. They also have some sort of sense where sometimes that symptomps were undetectable by the HO docs. Ha ha. I like to see Doc Wong doing her job. She was so gentle when it came to kids. And the way she spoke to parents and kids were very interesting. Her tone, body gestures were perfectly controlled in a manner which will convinced people to trust her. She also have this motherly nature which make kids comfortable with her.

In the middle of the round, Doc Amelia came out from her office to round the ward. She was the paeds in charge therefore, she muct examine every patient. So we started back. Ha ha. 3 times. Now is the real show. The real paeds. Doc Amelia is superb. She examined the whole wards, including the MO prognoses. And she was really good in her job. Besides that, her duty in this ward was to teach the HO docs about kids. Just as I say, she was really good in her job. She kept asking a lot of questions to the HO docs. Ha ha. Some of the HO docs were scolded in the ward. Doc Azhari got the worst of all. Now, it is time to see Doc Shahrizal patients. She asked him about an x - ray of a kid. He can't detect the abnormalities. She grab the film and hand it to me. " Find the abnormalities for Doc Shahrizal". I am clueless. So i took the film and examine it. Doc Amelia was by myside. So do Doc Rizal. We examine it together and finally she teach me about the picture. The kiddo was diagnosed with acute pneumonia. In the film, there are no clear divider between heart's apex and lungs. That's when we know that there are abnormalities with the childs lungs. Good lesson. Next, we examine a kid with a respiration problem. A baby actually. When he cried, there were some weird sound every time he inhale. It is known as barking cry. weird, but you can heard it clearly.

Then, The Head of Nurse in Charge called me. She then brought me to the tour again to the whole ward. She pointed to me to the wards that i had been visited. There were a few wards. First is the acute ward. This ward is situated at the front counter. This ward is also the home to kiddos who have chronic diseases such as kidney failure, tachycardia and others. Next is the sub-acute ward where the kiddos here are still in dangerous condition, but not as bad as the acute wards. They have isolation ward for contagious disease, diorrhea wards, radiation wards and wards for common disease. Imagine how big is the ward and i had tour it for almost 3 time. Then, the nurse thought me how to scrub. It is not a surgical scrub, just a typical one. Quite complicated. After finishing my scrub, i continued back my tour.

Suddenly, Datuk Ng came. The whole ward is in chaos. The big boss was coming. Ha ha. Again, i was touring the ward for the fourth time. I never had a seat from 8 am till 12. four straight hours standing on both feet. Can you imagine that? Next, I went to follow the HO docs to took some blood samples. It was very hard to find a baby's veins. Seriously. They kep crying. Pity. I then take a break at 12.45pm and came back at 2 pm. Nothing much to do after that, just lingering around and finally i got home by 3pm

2008-12-19T06:20:00.000-08:00

instructions:.
list these rules on your blog..
share 7 facts bout yourself on your blog..
tell 7 unspectacular quirks on yours..
tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names.

7 facts about me that you should or shouldn't know

1. I hate to share my secrets

2. I love black.

3. I hate people who like to be in their own kind.

4. I love songs other than malay's.

5. I love some of the orchestra plays.

6. I hate spy stories.

7. I am not too fussy about my food. Just eat it.

7 unspectacular quirks about me.

1. I always keep my angers to myself, and one day it always blow up in an uncontrollable manner. I hate it but i prefer to shut up rather than start a fight.

2. Sometimes I ask too much questions, especially on a subject that interest me the most. It might actually hurt someone, indirectly.

3. I hate ghosts stories. I really hate them. More than anything else. I am not brave - heroic - macho - thingy that men always pretend to be. I don't like ghosts!

4. I am terrible with numbers.

5. Sometimes I might be too cautious about simple things.

6. I always speak in a boring manner on presentations that doesn't interest me, or it is not within my jurisdiction.

7. Lastly, I am not a very good person. Watch out when you hang around with me. I don't break rules frequently, but once i brake it, i will make sure there are lists of them. HA HA!

Tag...
Who wants to do it, just do it!

SaY....

2008-12-09T06:19:00.000-08:00

SaY what you want to say,
When you have the time,
Tomorrow maybe,
One day late.
Our deepest regret,
Are words unsaid,
Things undone.

Time past,
Heart broken
Deepest regret.
Is it too late?
Is it destined to be so?

Being left alone,
Speechless.
Unaccompanied.
Will the time turn back?
For one last
Chance.

Dare not to say it
For the fear that
One may fAll for her.

2008-12-05T21:49:00.000-08:00

SHUTDOWN.......

Mou sukoshi ( A little more )

2008-11-30T19:33:00.000-08:00

Well,
Here is the song that i just found recently this year.
It is such a nice song, with a very deep meaning.
For sure, it is NOT a malay song.
Here are the translation.

By: Atsumi Saori.
When I noticed I was thinking about you...
I felt very embarassed
And I really hate that feeling
That's because I'm afraid to convey my feelings
Even though I suppress it in my head I can't do anything about my heart
I don't let you notice it when we meet
So it can be normal how I plan to talk to you
To act so composed has started to hurt
Lying to you I will put away... but
A little more... A little more...
If I can get closer to your heart
A little more... A little more...
So that this moment won't end
Please God, give me courage
When I'm alone with my bad crazy thoughts
I worry about what you think of me
I'm sorry I stepped forward to try to let you know
I'm not myself, I don't like the fog around my heart
Depending on someone else makes me run away... but
A little more... A little more...
If I can get beside you
A little more... A little more...
Night does not continue once dawn comes
So wipe away your tears when you're feeling lonely
The glowing moon floats out into the heavens
I'm not stronger or more confident
See me smiling, look, OK?
A little more... A little more...
If I can get beside you
A little more... A little more...
Night does not continue once dawn comes
A little more... A little more...
If I can get closer to your heart
A little more... A little more...
So that this moment won't end
Please God, give me courage

I love this song!

Belonging..

2008-11-26T20:38:00.000-08:00

Hmm...
It is weird.
For the first time ever,
I feel I am belong to a place.
Missing someone.
Some events.
Never feel it before.
Make me wonder.
Is this a strong bond?
Something that will last forever?
Will it?
Or just an illusion.
Of something that i wish to found earlier.
Of something that i have been waiting for so long.
A hope.
A dream.
Who know where will it ends.
For the first time ever,
I really hope it will end with something good.
For the first time ever,
I really put aside my past.
And for the first time ever,
I accept the ending of most of the fable stories,
" HAPPILY EVER AFTER "

Happy!!!!

2008-11-18T08:42:00.000-08:00

I am so happy tonight!!!!
After a long wait,
4 years.
4 long and painful years.
Finally,
I am going to meet the person I once care,
Love.
Learn the meaning of life.
Together.
And no one could ever understand me better,
Than this person.
Thank you Allah.
For this reunion.
For I once thought that,
We will never see each other again.
And i thought i am losing this person.
Away.
For this person is part of me,
Now.
Always.

Cry...

2008-11-13T07:49:00.001-08:00

Have you ever feel that you want to cry?
Badly.
It rouse inside you,
Every time,
Every second.
But
You need to hold it up.
Keep it inside you.
It brake your heart.
It hurts a lot.
No other way.
Keep it as long as you can.
Hold the line.

Will you ever find,
A crying shoulder.
Someone you can cry with.
Someone you can trust.
To tell the truth.
Share the burdens.
The secrets.
The pain.
One in a million.
Hard to find.

Should you cry?
Now?
Never?

2008-11-07T07:35:00.000-08:00

1.How old are you?
18
2. Are you single?
I think so
3. In what age do you think you’ll get married?
One thing for sure, I will work first, then get married. Not before that.
4. Do you think you’ll be marrying the person you are with now?????
Fate will decide the rest.
5. If not, who do you want to marry??
Hand it to Allah.
6. Do you want a garden/beach wedding, or the traditional wedding?
Traditional. But without the 'bersanding' thing. I hate it. Just wasting my time, sitting on a chair with my wife and let others watch us. No point.
7. Your ideal motif?
I am always for black. The other color will be choosed by my wife. I hope the combination is okay though...
8. Where do you plan to go on a honeymoon?
Honestly, I really would like to take her to Kyoto, Japan. I want to spend some time with her there especially in autumn season. Kyoto has the best autumn garden and it is nice to watch leaves fall with someone you love.
9. How many guests do you think you’ll invite?
Leave it to my mum. She knows better then me.
10. Do you want an extravagant wedding or a simple wedding?
Simple. Not too complicated. Don't want to give hard time to my family and hers.
11. Do you want the traditional vows or something you’d make up on your own??
I won't make any vow to her. I am afraid that I can't full fill it. But one thing that I can promise her is that I will take care of her the best I could, and be by her side whenever she need me.
12. How many layers of cake do you want to have?
I hate cream cakes. I won't have cake for my wedding.
13. Do you prefer having your reception at a hotel or at a simple place?
Simple place . I am a simple man with a simple need.
14. When do you want to get married, evening or morning?
Doesn't matter to me. I will follow the lady.
15. You’d rather have your reception outdoors or indoors?
I like outdoor reception. Traditional.
16. Do you like a grand entrance for your groom?
No. Craps.
18. Name the song/tune you’d like played at your wedding?
Fall For you.
20. Do you want a solemn ceremony or a light one?
Light. Simple.
21. What age do you want to get married?
As stated above.
22. Describe your ideal husband/wife.
Someone who can correct me if I do mistakes, and someone who is willingly to be part of me, now and always.
23. Do you prefer fine dining or just the normal spoon & fork/knife?
Hand is good enough. I am very bad using spoon and forks.
24. champagne or red wine?
Syrup.
25. Honeymoon right after the wedding or days after the wedding?
Depends on her. I am okay with anytime, as long as it is not interfering with both of our works.
26. money or household item?
Money.
27. Who will pay for the bills?
Of course it is on me. My responsibility.
28. Are you ready for married life?
Learning. Still in progress.
29. Do u think you will still be a virgin until u get married?
Stupid question. Of course!!!!
30. Will u always be true to your wife/husband
Hmm... InsyaAllah. I hope the same thing from her too.
31. How many kids do u like?
Leave it to God. Child is a gift from Allah, not me to decide it.
32. A new house for a newly wed or an old one?
New one of course.
33. Will u celebrate silver wedding, gold wedding, or diamond wedding?
I don't understand this question. But I will give her something on our anniversary.
34. What kind of cuisine would u like for ur wedding?Malaysian food?
I will go for Malaysian food.
35. Will u record ur honeymoon in a cd or dvd?
No. I do believe that heart is the best recorder in life. A memory will remain eternally in one's heart, forever. No need for CD!!
36. Whose wedding plans would you like to know next??? Choose 5 person
Manissa
Nadia Ghazali
Zayana Yusof

Conclusion.
Choosing a soul mate is not as easy as choosing a dress. Sometimes, one can spend his whole life to find a soulmate. As you have the time to choose, choose wisely. So that later, you will never regret the decision. Wedding is a sacred thing. And never ever broke the tie once you have tied it. It is the relationship for the rest of your life. And may Allah help me in choosing the right person, at the right time. If I am dead earlier than her, I don't mind if she want to remarried again. Because to love doesn't mean to own. Sometime, to know that she is happy without my presence by herside is good enough for me. If she choose to replace me after I am gone, I will give my bless. As long as that man is not cruel to my children. If he do that, I will haunt him forever. Ha ha ha.

Au revoir.

Tired....

2008-10-27T08:33:00.000-07:00

War.
Disappointed.
Hurted.
Failures.
Useless.
Hopeless.
Despair.
Fighting in a never ending war.
To win,
Is in doubt.
Chances?
Maybe.
Luck?
No such thing.
I am too tired.
To carry the burden.
Alone.
It's hard.
Really hard.
No way around.
I don't want to hurt others.
To quit.
Is not an option.
Let God decide the rest.
I
Lie my fate to Him.
Please give me strength,
And patience.
To keep fighting.

CPR

2008-10-25T17:27:00.000-07:00

Last Friday, we learnt about CPR. A big guy from PBSM Selangor came and showed us the right way to do it. Very interesting, especially when we used the dummy. I had the oppurtunity to do it, and i like it very much. But it is weird to kiss a dummy, instead of a person. You can feel the latex. But the concept applied is the same. Not so hard after all. Ha ha. But it is a priceless lesson. And i really appreciate this kind of lesson. Thanks to Ridhwan for the efforts to organise this thing.

I Can't Say

2008-10-18T19:42:00.000-07:00

This is one of my favourite song in all Yui's songs. It have a very deep meaning in each and every words. Language never shall be the barrier in life. And here are the translation of the song.

You whisper in my ear
"We can't go on like this."
But there's
Something good about us,
I know it.
I'm not gonna give up on you,
But I'm not a little girl anymore.
If I could tell you
How much I love you,
Could we be happy?
I'm not a hero,
You know.
Where I live,
None of the hip skirts fit me.
But if you were here,
I wouldn't care.
I see you,
All confused and alone,
I try to look tough
And I try not to care.
While deep down in my heart,
I can't stand
Seeing you like this.
If I could tell you
How much I love you,
What would you do?
I'm such a selfish jerk.
If I could tell you
How much I love you,
Could we be happy?
I'm so scared.
If I could tell you
How much I love you,
What would you do?
Maybe...
Maybe you'd know the truth...
You know...

YUI
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A very nice song.
It potrays,
That something in life,
Is better kept secret.
Undefine
By words.
Unspeakable.
A mystery.
An uncertainties.
A doubt.
Let it be a secret.
Now.
Tomorrow.
Forever.

Ayat-ayat cinta

2008-10-15T08:04:00.000-07:00

Love.
Sacrifice.
Reasons.
To choose,
Is not as easy as picking.
To love,
Does not mean to own.
And to decide,
Is harder than expected.
To love
And to own.
Two different things.
Complex.
Undefine.
To choose the right one,
Is to understand.
The fundamental.
The basic.
The reason why.
The causes.
The intentions.
If,
We are destined for each other,
Make for each other,
And created to fullfill one another,
Have faith,
For you will always part of me,
In this world,
Or the Heavens.
May you will always be by my side,
Accompany me in hardship,
Share my joy,
And my grieves,
Always,
Forever.
Because we are ONE.

Eid

2008-10-04T23:53:00.000-07:00

It is time for Eidulfitri!!!
I am back in Johor this year.
It was really fun.
Meet my cousins, aunties and uncles.
It is a nice thing.
After a long nightmare in Subang Jaya.
Finally !!!!
I get some break.
To heal again.
Away from this city.
I look at my cousin.
She has changed a lot.
From a cute little girl
To a very beautiful young girl.
Ha ha.
It had been a long time.
Since the last time we meet each other.
A significance change.
Paradigm movement.
But the best thing is,
We still played congkak together.
Going to the graves together.
And played firecrackers together.
Like the time never past.
And one of my cousin still want to hang at my back,
Although he is twice heavier than before.
And we still fall asleep at the same house as before,
During visiting others.
At the same spot,
At the same time,
Together.
It was the best Eid ever.
To see them grow,
Without losing their sense of oneself,
Gave me a great satisfaction.
Peace.
To play with them,
Just like the old time,
Is priceless to me.
To mess around with her,
Cheated her in congkak,
Ha ha.
Undefined by words.
The joy.
The happiness.
Maybe...
It is time for sakura to blossom,
A black rose,
To emerge.
A new start,
A new beginng.
A fresh life.
Hakuna Matata.

Fight

2008-09-25T09:00:00.000-07:00

Provoked.
Defence.
Pains.
Dismay.
Hurted.
I hate to fight.
For what?
Win?
Lose?
Should I fight?
Defending the truth?
Protecting a love?
I don't know.
Will never know.
Ever.
Certain conditions,
Will need blood.
A sacrifice.
For something.
Someone.
Last resort.
"To have the ability to fight, doesn't mean you have to fight. But if it is necessary, fight with everything you have, so later, you will never regret the decision,"
Please.
Not a fight.
Not anymore.
A broken heart,
Shall never been able to fight.
Not again.
Too much pain.
Too much are at stake.
I couldn't bare,
To lose once again.
My past,
Present,
And future.
Not anymore.

Tranquility.

2008-09-22T02:11:00.000-07:00

Peace.
Harmony.
Secure.
Gone for a long time
They came back.
In unspeakable manners.
For the first time,
I feel The Sakinah.
The tranquility.
It was weird.
Should I ever forget the past?
Build a new life?
Forgive?
Forget?
Should I?
Or continue to live in pain?
Agony and anger.
Hatred.
I am exhausted.
Hiding the truth.
Should I told my comrades?
Will they accept it?
Again,
The uncertainties.
Waiting for the right time.
And the right person.
And she should have my past.
Everything.
Only when the time comes.
Not a second less.
Or more.
Forgiveness.
I should start to do it.
Could no longer,
Sustain the pain,
And lose The Sakinah,
The tranquility.
Again.
Forever.

Laughter

2008-09-12T02:30:00.000-07:00

Laugh.
Fun.
Happiness.
Truth or dream?
Illusion?
A woman.
Laughters are her strength.
Cheers me up.
Always make my day.
A cover.
A mask.
I had just realised.
She suffered.
A lot.
In the end,
She voiced out the truth.
Shocked.
Stunned.
She is still able to laugh.
Despite the pains.
The harshness.
The tests.
Never thought about it.
Her struggle.
To survive.
To prove that her existance
Mean something.
She lost someone she loved.
The preserverance.
The patience.
She deserves everything a man could ever give.
For her obedience.
And for her acceptance.
Might God be always by your side,
To protect you,
And fulfill your dreams.
Might He cure your loss,
For you are the one,
Who shook me up,
From my nightmares,
Make me realise,
Acceptance is the cure,
For a broken heart.
And laughter
Is the best way
To hide the past.
Now,
Always.

Kuro

2008-09-05T08:30:00.000-07:00

Black.
Universal.
Secrets.
Unknown.
Though always misunderstood,
Even hurted so much,
It remains black.
A heart.
Sequence of events.
Nostalgic.
A real me.
Rare, but not impossible.
Sometimes 'he' appear.
In a unique way.
The old personality.
The secrets.
The burden.
The past.
Undefined by words.
Always.
And it come again.
The memories.
The pain.
The loneliness.
Shattered hopes.
The darkness falls.
Just like the old time.
Insecurity.
Afraid.
Misjudged.
They circulates again and again.
No solutions.
Just tears.
Regrets.
Undecided actions.
Lead to disaster.
Let it be the black areas of my heart,
For I should be the one to carry the burden.
Though it's tough,
It is part of me.
A lego.
A missing piece.
And they shall remain in shade,
Black, the ultimate beauty.
Always.

?????

2008-08-30T08:20:00.000-07:00

Questions.
Weird.
Abnormalities.
I am just wondering,
How fast a person can change.
A second.
And one will be a stranger to you.
The one you used to know,
Together,
Fighting for something,
Side by side,
Now seems so different.
A stranger.
Like they have never been part of you.
I never knew such person.
I miss the old one.
Though I used to hate her.
We fight,
We hurted each other.
Now she seems different.
An outsider.
A Gaijin.
Why?
Why do human always forget,
Who they were?
A judgement.
Clouded by feelings.
Losing oneself.
A personality.
Gone.
Changes.
Though good, I would prefer the old one.
For I really appreciate,
The moment we used to spent together.
Not the new you.
The strange you.
Awkward to me.
Never like it.
Get back,
Return to who you were.
Get back,
Before it's too late!

Au Revoir

2008-08-28T01:14:00.000-07:00

Goodbye.
Letting go is the hardest part.
Losing someone.
Forced to forget the past.
The joys,
Happiness,
Memoirs of oneself,
And the relationship.
Gone.
Forever.
The pain,
The suffer,
Shame.
A broken heart.
A hurted soul.
Should I back off?
Am I standing in the way?
An obstacle.
Useless.
Never appreciated.
Put aside.
Alienated.
For who should I care for?
No one.
Never was.
Never is.
And never will.
Acceptance.
A good soldier know,
When he should surrender.
Always.
And for what do I have a relationship?
In the end,
It is the same thing.
I will loose.
Always.
Therefore,
Backing off is the best way.
No one would ever get hurt.
Safe.
To accept the reality,
Is too hard.
Too harsh.
Unbareable.
Unspeakable.
Cut the heart,
And it will always bleed,
Eternally.

Ashita Harerukana

2008-08-22T21:16:00.000-07:00

Will it be fine tomorrow?
No one know.
In doubt.
Today you see someone you love.
Will she be there tomorrow?
Uncertainties.
Love.
She mean something to you.
Did she know that?
No.
She don't.
Speechless.
Afraid that she is gone.
Forever.
Is it too late?
To tell her,
She means everything to you.
When you are in trouble,
Hardship,
Lost.
Who is by your side?
A girl you seem don't care.
And now she is fading away.
In someone else's hand.
Did you have the courage?
To be honest with her.
Tell her the truth.
About how you feel.
And how she is part of you.
Losing her is a great loss.
An empty hole.
Inside you.
Could it ever be filled?
One more chance.
To rewrite the past.
So that
Future will be different.
Will it be fine tomorrow?
Can things just turn back?
Will I have the chance?
Will we be together?
Destiny shall decide,
For we are one,
Now and forever

Exhausted...

2008-08-20T06:45:00.000-07:00

Too exhausted.
Tired.
Life seems too busy.
No time for laugh.
No happiness.
People don't mind about each other.
Care only for one's business.
No more friendship.
No more trust.
The only relationship survived is because of personal interest.
A lie.
A burden.
And a shatter hope.
Never hope for sincerity in relationship.
Such thing never exist.
Why should I sacrifice?
For someone to appreciate me?
Or to have special place in their heart?
Useless.
Rubbish.
I'm exhausted to have such life.
A drama.
With good fakers as the actors.
Where should I put my trust?
To the fakers?
To the world?
Or to a Gaijin?
Wake up and realise.
I'm losing a heart.
A sense of being appreciated.
A sense of security.
No more.
No more.
Nothing left.
Empty.
Let's God decide the rest.

Hmm..... Interesting!

2008-08-14T08:46:00.000-07:00

Interesting !
This week just show me about another part of life.
About how understanding a person can be.
And how much care one could have.
Just when I thought I was alone,
Someone come to cheer me up.
Suggesting a solution.
One solution....
Uncertainties.
In doubt, whether I can do it or not.
But that is not important.
The interesting part of our conversation is that she told me to look in new perspective.
One thing that I never gave a thought.
Or care to think.
But it is the concern that I appreciate the most.
A Gaijin.
Never thought that she would understand me.
And she did.
Interesting.
Who know this kind of person ever exist in the world.
Therefore, if she is reading this post,
I just want to say thank you very much,
For everything you had done.
Although the conversation last for a few minutes,
I really do appreciate it.
For every single word you said,
It means a lot to me,
I am forever in your debt,
"For the only person who can understand it, is the one who had gone through it."

True Friends....

2008-08-10T03:08:00.000-07:00

Is it true that there is true friend?
Is it true such thing ever exist?
I don't know.
And I hope I will find the answer here in Taylor's.
My past was never a good one.
I never found the answer in my primary and secondary school.
I left them with agony and pain, and that is what make me who am I right now.
Hard to have trust on others.
Never like to share my personal experience with others.
I might seem happy, but inside there are scars.
Of who I am before.
A reminder,
Of a dark past.
Betrayed and lost.
Hurted and painful.
But now I am grateful for everyone by my side.
The past thought me to be a better person.
I have friends right now.
Of who I appreciate the most.
They are the best friends I had ever have in my life.
I hope I am able to say this to each and everyone of them.
About how I do care and love them all.
About how much I appreciate their existance by myside.
About how they become the cure of my past.
And about how priceless they mean to me.
But sometimes to read is better than to listen.
And to write is better than to hear.
For I myself never a good speaker.
I do hope every single day that the past will never repeat itself.
Because I no longer able to suffer that much anymore.
I want my friends to know that I will always owe them my heart,
For they are the one who cure it,
Save it from unspeakable pain.
I'm forever in their debt.
For eternity.

Weird.....

2008-08-09T01:10:00.000-07:00

Hmmmm......
Sometime life is a weird thing.
Unexpected things keep happening to us.
"Unpredictable yet complicated...."
No one shall ever understand.
God decide everything.
Sometimes things seems too hard for us.
Too much tests.
For those who can't survive it will be left in doubt.
Fear of uncertainties.
Fear of the unknown.
And they will blame the fate.
For all kind of hardships they have gone through.
Without realising.....
These tests make us grow up.
An adult.
Mature and ready for anything to come.
Therefore, never ever give up on life.
How much the pain you've gone through,
How many time you've been hurted,
Always remember,
It's part of you.
These experience will make you whole.
And ready to protect someone you love the most.
The pains will reminds you about the correct path to choose,
For you yourself and someone you love.
Because love will always need sacrifice.
Either from you or the one you love.
So let me become the person who will sacrifice my life,
Gone through the pains and everything else,
So that the one I love will never ever need to suffer the same things,
For my love,
For someone I care the most.
For they will always be part of me,
Now and forever.

A new gaijin in such a new place.

2008-08-08T07:38:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my blog.
For one should understand how it is to feel unprotected,
Vulnerable and easily hurted.
One piece of memory shall shatters in the darkness of the life.
Some pains are unbareable.
And one could never find the cure.
Some will heal by itself.
But remember, old wounds can bleed again.
Sometimes it is not the cut the hurt the most, but it is the insensitivity of the person closest to you that will kill you.
The one you trust the most, the one you hope to be by your side all the time, and the one you give almost the whole world for them.
And they turn away when you need them the most.
The emptiness is unspeakable.
A large part of you is missing with them, and you will no longer learn to trust.
You will forget what it means to love and beloved, to care for someone, to feel protected, and to feel accompanied by someone you can hope for.
Finally, you would not feel the pain anymore.
You have been hurt so much that you get used to the pain.
It live inside with you.
And you need to carry the burden each day you live in the world.
Try to hide it from others. Afraid that your new comrades will misjudge you.
It is such a big burden to carry and you have no one to ask for advices.
And if you ever be in this situation,
WELCOME TO MY LIFE.